All My Dreams Have Come True. My Life Is Complete.

Way back in June, 2007 I published a "side by side comparison" between the original Star Trek Communicator and the "modern" (2007) cell phone.



The flip phone won hands down and that was 4 years ago, before Smart Phones and Android.


But now, in the Age of Convergence, all of my dreams have come true.

Talkndog.com has made my life complete.








I have been wet dreaming about this day since 1966!

I Love My Little Android

No, not Data. Although Brent Spiner is quite a fetching lad.

No, I'm talking about my new 3G smart phone. Now I know all y'all motherfuckers have been playing with your fancy phones for a long time and I'm late to the game. But Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket! This fucker is amazing!



"My God. It's full of apps!"

It's really unfair to even call this thing a phone since being a phone represents such a small percentage of what it actually does.

The Google Maps Navigation may be my favorite app. Yeah, I know, Garmin and Tom Tom have been doing it for years. But Google and the Android step it up a notch. Incredible voice recognition, integration with my phonebook, layering of satellite and traffic, Google street views as you approach your destination. And the turn by turn voice director has a saucy little British accent that I find very appealing.

I also have a Light Saber.

And a Tricorder.

And a rotary dialer.



But I have a few enhancements I would like to see in the next version of Google Navigator. To wit:

I want to be able to plot a route on my desktop and export it to my phone and have Google Map Navigation import it.

I want to be able to ask my Google Navigator questions. "Where is the closest gas station?"

I want to be able to program in preferences like "Science Museums" or "Full Contact Strip Clubs with $10 Lap Dances" and have the Navigator alert me when I'm near one.

As much as I love my sultry little computerized British wench, I would like to be able to download alternate navigation voices. I'm thinking John Cleese. Ricky Gervais. James Earl Jones.

I want a navigation voice with an attitude!

I like letting my GPS unit pick a route, and then I intentionally take a different route.

I like listening to a soul-less, heart-less, unemotional robotic voice telling me what to do as I completely ignore it and go where I want and do what I want.

It's just like being married again!

But the voice is too passive! I think after 3 "Off Route. Re Routing" attempts the software should say "OK, fuck you asshole, you're on you're own! I hope you get lost, shanked and ass-fucked in the ghetto! You don't deserve modern technology you Amish motherfucker! Take me back to Best Buy!"

The only thing that could make it better (I'm looking at you 4G developers), is if it were implanted in my brain and the data was projected directly onto my retinas like a fucking heads up display (HUD).

Hook me up, bitches! Brain implants, genetic modification, stem cell therapy, instant evrything. It's 2010! Fix my shit! I want it all and I want it now.

My First "I Just Won The Lottery!" Purchases

If I won the lottery...



NEC 43" Curved LCD

"The NEC's new 43-inch curved LCD on sale July, featuring 2880 x 900 pixel resolution, it looks amazing! It will cost you $8,000! More specs: 200 cd/m² brightness, 0.02ms Rapid Response, 10,000:1 contrast ratio, Wide color gamut with 100% coverage of sRGB and 99.3% coverage of Adobe RGB, USB Ports, DVI-D and HDMI 1.3 input connectors."

Star Trek Classic Captain Kirk Chair

"The unbelievable chair measures 41-inches tall x 42-inches wide x 39-inches deep. It weighs about 215 pounds! The working swivel seat with wooden handles, leather seat cover, and armrest controls make this the perfect addition to any collection, display, home theater, or museum! The chair, seat of the chair and arms of the chair are made of wood, the seat is covered in leather. There is an iron base the chair is mounted on for rigidity. Limited edition of 1,701 pieces worldwide."

But with ButtKicker technology!




Harmony® 1100

This will be mounted into the arm rest.

"3.5-inch color touch screen: You’ll be able to see the icons and commands, even in the dark. You’ll have the commands you want, when you want them. And you’ll be able to access all the functions of your devices. Help is even available right on the screen.

RF wireless capability: Lets you control devices that you keep behind closed doors, even those you can’t see. (Requires the Logitech® Harmony® RF Extender, sold separately.)

Customizable icons and controls: You choose the commands you want to see, when you want to see them. Even choose the icons you want to use for each command.

One touch to your entertainment: No more complicated lists of what to turn on or which button to select.

Everyone can select what they want to do—such as “Watch TV”—and your Harmony remote does the rest.

Replaces up to 15 remotes: You won’t waste time digging through a pile of remotes again.

Charged and ready: It’s rechargeable so you won’t be looking for batteries when you want to be watching TV.

Guided online setup: You connect your Harmony remote to your computer and you’re guided through every step.

Live answers to your questions: If you hit a snag, live customer support is ready to help.

World’s largest A/V control database: Your Harmony supports more than 225,000 devices from 5,000 brands, so you know it will work with what you have today and what you’ll add tomorrow."

LG BD390

"Integrated 802.11n Wi-Fi; Netflix, YouTube, and CinemaNow streaming; superfast disc loading; plays music, videos, and pictures off a connected USB drive or over network; Profile 2.0 compatible; onboard decoding for Dolby TrueHD and DTS-HD Master Audio; 7.1 analog outputs; 1GB onboard memory."

Panasonic SC-PT760

"It comes with a smooth-running five-disc DVD changer, wireless surround speakers, an integrated, flip-down iPod dock, and upscales video over HDMI up to 1080p"

If I'm reading all of this correctly, I could download internet porn, watch it in HD on a curving 43" screen, hear the faked orgasms in bowel-loosening, bass-rumbling, surround sound, while controlling everything with a high-tech remote from Captain Kirk's Command Chair.

This is pretty much all I ask of life. I'm a low maitnenance kind of guy.

After securing and installing all of the above, I might consider paying some bills, buying my daughter a car and maybe starting a college fund for her.

A More Thoughtful Star Trek Review

My friend Poodles has her review posted on her blog.

I left a lengthy comment on her post which I realized was turning into a post in it's own right, so I'm copying it here.

What really coalesced my thoughts after seeing Star Trek was a particular comment she made in her review.

“I LOVED how they made it into something fresh, new and malleable.”

I think "malleable" is exactly right. The premise of the movie, the choices they made, the fresh new cast, the hand off, all serve to give them freedom.

They can choose to pay homage to the past whenever they want, wherever it fits, and wherever it will make the hardcore Trek Fans cheer.

But they aren't weighed down by 45 years of TV, movie and paper canon.

That's what killed the "old Trek". Like the Soviet Union, it collapsed under the weight of its own bureaucracy.

Writers, actors, directors, set designers, make up artists, costume designers...everyone was constrained by decades of consensual reality that dictated how things had to be. It stifled the imagination. Anything new damn well better be consistent with All That Had Gone Before or there would be hell to pay.

Not anymore. It's a new Star Trek universe and the future is wide open. For the first time in 45 years, movie makers truly are free to "go where no one has gone before".

It's all very exciting.

Oh, one last thing.

Uhura?



Yeah, I'd tap that.

Star Trek Rebooted

Today I had the pleasure of seeing the new Star Trek on an IMAX screen with Average Jane and her hubby, Logtar, Betizuka, Michelle & Eric, and of course A Librarian, or as I like to think of her, The Librarian.

Here is my in depth review.

It was fucking awesome. Absolutely perfect. I can't think of a single thing that J.J. Abrams could have done better.

Review over.

Oh sure, there were certain plot elements that a little critical thinking could shoot huge, gaping holes through. But after you have suspended your disbelief regarding warp drives, time travel and "red matter", plot inconsistencies seem rather trivial.

I was particularly pleased to see the influence of Caroline Porco who served as Science Advisor to the movie.


Her touch was most evident in the scene when the Enterprise emerges from the clouds of Titan and you see Saturn and it's rings in the background. That is no visual effects directors artistic version of what they think Saturn might look like. That was a high resolution Cassini image, in natural light, with no enhancements. If you were in the Saturn system, that is what Saturn would look like to your eyes. But in high resolution on a fucking IMAX screen!


But the important thing is, Star Trek is back. It's new, it's fresh and it's fun. The old crew of Kirk, Spock, Scotty, Bones, Sulu, Uhuru and Chekov, but with a new young cast that won't keep the franchise alive, but bring it back from the dead.


The audience actually applauded as the ending credits rolled. It is that kind of movie.

We'll know the reboot has run it's course when we see Chris Pine doing nostalgic reboot of T.J. Hooker.

Vick Trek

Apparently, Michael Vick went all trekkie in prison, but took it to early-Elvis/Mirror, Mirror Spock extremes.

Shatner upset Takei didn't invite him to wedding

"LOS ANGELES – William Shatner is setting his phaser to stun against his old "Star Trek" co-star George Takei. In a video posted on Shatner's Web site Wednesday, he lashed out at Takei for not inviting him to his wedding last month.

The 77-year-old Kirk said Takei, who played Enterprise helmsman Sulu, apparently harbors a grudge against him that kept him from being invited to Takei's nuptials.

"The whole thing makes me feel badly," Shatner said in the video. "Poor man. There is such a sickness there. It's so patently obvious that there is a psychosis there. I don't know what his original thing about me was. I have no idea."

Are you fucking kidding me? He has "no idea"?

Was he too drunk to remember this BIG CLUE?



I thought George was pretty fucking clear how he felt about Shatner.