Home From the Cold - A Caribbean Cruise Pt. 6

By Kal-F

The disaster of the soups does not necessarily prevent us from keeping hope alive that the rest of the meal will be an unqualified success, and when we see Alex in the distance pushing a cart with monstrously large plates, our hearts and appetites are indeed lifted to the next level.

The thrill is short-lived. As Alex starts dishing out the salads we can’t help but admire the plates; they are big, heavy even and have wonderful decorative designs but where, we wonder, are the salads? The Ceasar salad that is promised is no more than two pieces of lettuce and three bread-crumbs (perfectly square admittedly), daubed I guess because this is an upscale restaurant, with a fulsome amount of mayonnaise.

For a moment we think that the order has been misunderstood and they are convinced that we have ordered a plate of mayonnaise with two pieces of lettuce and a few bread-crumbs at the side. Likewise, what they present as a Garden Salad we see as two slices of sweet peppers, half a carrot and a pretty slice of tomato. After the second mouthful, all that is left on the plate are the nice decorations.

Some people deal with the disappointment better than others. The people at the table beside us, made up of acquaintances from Orange Hill, St. James, the village where I grew up, have decided that they will leave and advise us to do the same. They are heading for the Sun and Sea Restaurant, where, they tell us, a midnight buffet is about to be unveiled. We decide to stay and sojourn on, discovering a perk that comes with dining in the Universe Lounge: one can order as many plates as one likes. We now therefore beckon to Alex and each of us put in three more orders for salads. We volunteer to help him cart the plates: he bravely declares that it is not a problem and he can handle it.

Does Rihanna still sing? + Joe Jackson needs to sit down

Remember the days when Rihanna used to make hit music? I understand she's currently working on a new album, but it seems to me that she spends a lot of time these days sauntering around to events or hanging with friends.




Maybe she's getting a jump start on her modelling career, 'cause girlfriend looks pretty cool. I see you in your Michael Jackson-styled outfit, gloves and all, Ri-Ri....


It seems that every time I turn on my tv I see Michael Jackson's father Joe holding some press conference about his son's death/estate/kids/funeral. For a man who's supposed to be grieving he sure seems excited to be in front of the camera. And as for pimping his record label at the BET Awards...tacky beyond belief.

Joe Jackson, sit down and shut up. Don't tarnish your son's memory and legend by turning his death into a circus.

Home From the Cold - A Caribbean Cruise Pt. 5

By Kal-F

Unlike the Sun and the Sea Restaurant where the service is buffet style (which means that you wait in line for 40 minutes until the hundreds of people in front of you assiduously make their selections), our service in the Universe Dining Room is catered by two waiters. One of them, Alex, is from the former Yugoslavia and the other, Pedro, from Barbados.

Alex brings us the menus and gives us advice about this evening's special. The special doesn't sound very much like a special and we resort to reading the menus. Trevor and I seem to be getting perilously close to the age of geriatrics, an undeniable sign of which is that we now find it difficult to read the menus without our glasses. We also seem to be gradually losing our memories and have forgotten the glasses in our respective cabins. We now find ourselves in the hapless position of having our respective spouses read the menus to us, a situation that portends a questionable future.

Soups and salads are there for starters but since it is now after 9:00 p.m.,( half an hour after we arrived) we have all exercised a collective indiscipline by devouring the bread rolls and butter that have been offered and re-offered to us. I am almost full by the time the soups arrive.

My choice, a lovely pale-green vegetable chowder is unfortunately more appetizing in the looks than in the taste. After the second spoonful, I wonder out loud if the chef has accidentally spilled an entire container of salt into the mix or if if he is forced by limitation of time and space to scoop up ocean water to do his cooking.

Pedro, probably witnessing the more than ordinary contortion on my face, comes over to inquire how things are progressing and to my suggestion that he should advise the chef to go a lot more lightly on the salt, confides that with the present chef it is a hopeless cause, the suggestion having been made on divers occasions before, to no avail. I am thus reduced to pushing the soup aside and taking my chance with the rest of the offerings which Alex is now carting to our table.

Windows Genuine Advantage Suckage

My latest tale of Microsoft woe began in late summer/early fall of 2008 with the premature death of my beloved Dell XPS gaming computer.

At first, I blamed an aborted attempt to download Microsoft's Windows XP SP3. But based on the results of a detailed post-mortem by my awesome friend Logtar, The Borg Collective appears to be blameless. I just let the ventilation system get clogged up and I fried the motherboard through sheer lack of basic maintenance.

But while I had direct access to the highest levels of Microsoft technical support, I took advantage of it. I got nightly calls from India from very knowledgeable techs who spent HOURS on the phone showering me with curry-scented personal attention.

One of the attempts they made to fix the problem was to send me a new Windows XP Professional installation disk which includes Service Pack 2, since I couldn't find my disks.

Bottom line, long story short, we never revived my XPS and through an act of unbelievable kindness (scratch that..if you know these people, the kindness is TOTALLY believable. Awesome peeps!), I now have a new/used computer. When we were setting it up, we used the Windows XP Professional disks that MS sent me.

Now, I'm starting to get annoying messages from Windows Genuine Advantage wanting me to verify that I have a legitimate copy of Windows. I've been ignoring the annoying messages because although I have the product key, the disk itself has a label that says "UNLICENSED SOFTWARE - Illegal without separate license from Microsoft".

I don't know what that means. I can't believe Microsoft would send me an illegal copy of their own software.

I've been ignoring them long enough that I can no longer play any videos that require Windows Media Player 11 because Microsoft is blocking it. This is severely, I repeat SEVERELY limiting my access to The Good Porn.

Now, I have recently discovered my original Dell XPS supplied Windows XPS Re installation disk, still in it's shrink wrap.

So here is my question to you, my loyal reader.

Do I try to go through the Genuine Windows Advantage validation using the Windows XP Professional CD that Microsoft sent me during my "servicing" that is currently installed on my new/used Dell Optiplex?

Or do I cut open the shrink wrap and install my Windows XP Media Center Edition 2005 from the old Dell XPS over the top of the older Windows XP Professional from 2002 supplied by Microsoft?

Which path will present the least pain and the most porn?

This is very important.

Discuss.

Memories of MJ + Top 20 Fave Michael Jackson singles

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight,
Here one day, gone one night.
Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon,
Gone too soon.

I have been trying all day to start this post. I must have erased the first few lines of this paragraph several times. I'm still not sure I can write in any coherent, fluid way about how I'm feeling right now.

I don't usually get overly emotional when Hollywood stars or musicians or any 'star' dies, and that held true when I heard of Michael Jackson's passing. I was at an appointment, and as I watched the coverage of his death on television I was just saying 'wow, this is so sad, the world has lost a true musical icon'.

When reality really hit home was this morning, when I started to listen to the all-day tribute to the megastar on LOVE 104.1 FM. All Michael, all day. As his hits reverberated on the airwaves back to back, almost every one held some significance, marked some event in my life. And I ain't shame to tell yuh, I cried.

A lot has been said about Michael Jackson over the years, both negative and positive. I don't expect that will end with his passing. Truth be told, I'm bracing myself for the conspiracies and the custody battle over his kids and his finances.

All I know, is that the most talented musical artiste, bar none, to walk the face of the earth to date is no more. Almost every song he released was a hit, the releases of his music videos were international events, the man invented dnaces that defied gravity and wrote lyrics that could stir the coldest soul.

As a tribute to this music icon, I've attempted to do the near impossible: to list twenty of my fave Michael Jackson tunes and the album they were from. When a person has been performing for about 42 of their 50 years that's a lot of songs to choose from, especially when I pretty much loved them all. Anyhoo, here goes....


20. Off the Wall - Off the Wall
19. Remember the Time - Dangerous
18. You Are Not Alone - HIStory
17. I Just Can't Stop Loving You - Bad
16. Heal the World - Dangerous
15. Happy - Music and Me


14. Black or White - Dangerous
13. She's Out of My Life - Off the Wall
12. Will You Be there - Dangerous
11. One Day in Your Life- Forever, Michael.
10. Rock With You - Off the Wall


9. Speechless - Invincible
8. Gone Too Soon - Dangerous
7. Billie Jean - Thriller
6. Human Nature - Thriller


5. Man in the Mirror - Bad
4. Cry - Invincible
3. Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'- Thriller
2. Lady In My Life - Thriller
1. Don't Stop Till You Get Enough - Off the Wall

RIP MJ, your legacy will live on forever.

Images: theybf.com

The King of Pop - Gone Too Soon

1958-2009

Home From the Cold - A Caribbean Cruise Pt. 4

by Kal-F

The Universe Dining Room is on Deck 3 and 4 of the ship. Each deck has a special name; from top to bottom: Sky, Sun, Spa, Lido, Verandah, Empress, Upper, Promenade, Atlantic, Lobby, Main, Riviera, and Zero; so while there are actually thirteen levels, the number thirteen is not used. The Medical Centre is said to be on deck Zero, the bottommost deck and the second deck, Riviera, is counted as deck one.

At 8:30 p.m., we step out of the cabin and head for the see-through elevators. As we rise we see that the Lobby Deck is teeming with people all dressed to kill, some posing for pictures standing within set backdrops that show various tropical scenes.

We step off the elevators at the Atlantic Deck and squeeze our way past another throng of people posing for more pictures and inspecting the duty- free jewellery and fragrance shops. These are probably the people who have have dined earlier because they don't seem to be in any hurry to go anywhere. We walk past the Galaxy Dining Room and head to the aft of the ship to the Universe.

Everyone is already there except for Pam and Trevor. At the head of the table is Papa Smith, the father-in -law to Shelley. His name is Robert. That is also the middle name of his three sons, all of whom have other names beginning with the letter R. All of his sons still live at home, including the two who are married, so when a letter arrives addressed to Mr. R. Smith there is a family conference to decide who will open it. On Papa's right is Mamma Smith, who is probably in her late 50s but doesn't look a day past 35. She doesn't say much but see her come alive when music, any type of music, starts to play. She's up and moving and man, can she move her body!

Across from her is her second son Robert, Shelley’s husband, a handsome young man with a big dimple in his chin and a ready smile, and like his mother, hardly says a word. This evening, however, he actually speaks but in such subdued tones that Shelley, who's sitting beside him, has to translate for the rest of the table. Beside Shelley is her brother Barry, freshly arrived from Miami where he is going to university. Barry did not turn down the offer to go on the cruise when he discovered that his parents would pay for it.

Barb and I are greeted by the others as we take our seats opposite each other. We sit and while awaiting the arrival of Pam and Trevor trade stories about our experiences so far. Shelley has already discovered room service and has vowed to exploit all its benefits. By the end of the trip the workers know her voice intimately. She doesn't even have to give her cabin number. Barry has already spent time in the internet cafe and by the end of the trip they are almost about to offer him a job there.

Soon everyone is turning their glances towards the entrance as we wonder where the final two are. Papa Smith, a man of routine who goes to bed at 7:00 p.m. and awakes at 4:00 a.m. so that he can be the first to arrive in his office at 6:00 a.m. five days a week, glances furtively at his watch. He is too much of a gentleman to start dinner without them. When they finally arrive, Pam, cheerful and bubbly as always and Trevor, decked out (no pun intended) in the best outfit that I've seen him wear in years, so much so that I have to look more closely to recognise him, the mood at the table suddenly changes to one of eager anticipation to the fare that is about to be served.

Home From the Cold - A Caribbean Cruise Pt. 3

Hi, all. I was pretty busy yesterday so I couldn't keep my promise of a new chapter of Kal-F's Caribbean cruise. So, to make up for that, I'm going to give you two chapters today. Enjoy.


by Kal-F

In the last four months of the year in Barbados the sun sets around 5:30. By 5:45, the twilight falls for another fifteen minutes until 6 o'clock when the law states that vehicles must have their headlights on when driving.

From deck twelve of the Carnival Destiny one can see the lights on the west coast of the island popping on. Closest to us are the warehouses of the harbour surrounded by wide, cemented open spaces where mostly red quadrangular containers temporarily await their next journey. Behind them to the left are the lights of the Spring Garden Highway (aptly named for the lack of either a spring or a garden) where the remnant of the rush-hour traffic out of Bridgetown inches its way northward.

Further away in the distance are the suburban hills: Free Hill, Hinds Hill, Cave Hill where the Barbadian campus of the University of the West Indies commands a magnificent view of the harbour and the curved contour where the west coast bends into the south coast. There are some areas where lights shine more brightly than the areas surrounding them. We surmise that one is the National Stadium where a football (as in soccer) game may be going on and the others may be cricket fields accommodating the increasingly popular night cricket games.

Our eyes shift to the right of the ship: Carlisle Bay (the concave costline south of Bridgetown named after the Earl of Carlisle to whom an English King, Charles 1, with a simple stroke of a pen gave ownership of the island in 1628) reflects the shimmering lights of The Boatyard and The Harbour Lights nightclubs, two of the most popular tourist night spots on the island.

Not very often does one get this offshore view of the island from twelve stories up. For a small island 21 miles long and 14 miles wide, Barbados almost seems vigorous: a lot of lights and an awful number of cars (100,000 at the last count). But I remember that this is Bridgetown, one of the oldest port towns in the Caribbean (it celebrated its 375th anniversary in 2003) and it is the heart of St. Michael, the most populated of the 11 parishes in the island and as Bridgetown is still the chief commercial centre of the island, it draws a great percentage of the island population into itself during the day. At night it is almost a ghost town as its dayfarers wend their way home at the supper hour.

It's close to my supper hour as well and I remember that my sister has pre-booked a set time for the ten of us in the Universe Dining Room, one of the two dining rooms where Ship's protocol stipulates that dress be formal. I say goodbye to the lights of the city and head to the elevators which, except for the doors, are all glass so that one can see the midship decks as one rises or falls to one's destination. I head to the cabin wondering whether the jacket that I have worn only three times in the last three years will still fit me.

Meat Locker People

In a recent twitter exchange, @m_toast declared a humid, muggy, 95 degree day to be "gorgeous"!

I responded that I would rather be "thisclose" to frostbite than break a single bead of sweat.

She responded by lumping me in with a group she refers to as "meat locker" people.

I want to go on record as EMBRACING the Meat Locker People label!

Let me explain something.

Meat lockers are really, really cold!

Know why? I'll tell ya why.

The cold temperature PRESERVES THE MEAT and keeps it from ROTTING!

I'll let you in on another little secret. You? Me? All those people around you? We're made out of meat!

Cold temperatures are kind to humans! Hot, muggy, swampy conditions are hostile to humans.

This weather FUCKING SUCKS and KILLS PEOPLE!

I'm not going anywhere or doing anything until October when the planet is once again hospitable to humans.

Until then, I will be the most un-environmentally friendly, un-green, and nipply comfortable bastard on the planet. Ima have a carbon footprint that will dwarf Alaska if that's what it takes to keep me comfortable.

Home From the Cold - A Caribbean Cruise Pt. 2

by Kal-F

Actually, peoples, this isn't Day Two yet, it's a continuation of Day One. Sorry about that.


Barbados is actually the fourth stop on the Carnival's itinerary. The majority of passengers board at San Juan, Puerto Rico, and from there go to St. Thomas, part of the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Dominica. After leaving Barbados, the ship spends an entire day at sea before entering the port in Aruba. From there it is another day at sea before entering Puerto Rican waters again.

Security on the ship seems to be tight. One enters and leaves the ship with a sign- in-sign-out card which brings up your picture and cabin number on a monitor. All packages are screened and one goes through a metal detector machine the same as at an airport.

Reboarding the ship the second time after depositing my car at home, I head straight for my cabin and decide I would have a quick snooze before dinner time. Barb is still somewhere exploring and I am able to catch a few winks before she appears with the news that she has run into Pam and Trevor, my sister and brother-in-law who have a cabin on the same deck but on the side of the ship opposite to us. She again brings up the topic of the local economy by stating that Pam was annoyed at Trevor's disinclination to hire a porter to carry her numerous bags.

This information is given in the spirit of self-vindication as in not only, "See, I wasn't the only one who wanted a porter" but also with the veiled suggestion: "Why are you guys so cheap?" The latter idea doesn't bother me as much as the awakening concern for the local Barbadian economy, so much so that I consider leaving the ship again and getting a porter to help me back onto the ship with my now empty backpack.

However, before I can voice this redemptive suggestion, Barb announces that she is off again, this time to the Purser's desk to report that the cabin safe is not functional. The worry about the local economy immediately subsides with her departure and I doze off into the comfort of the king size bed which is actually two double beds pushed together, probably with the thought that a couple not yet in their fifties would inhabit the room and regard the lack of distance between the beds as a significant asset. No longer an issue with the current inhabitants.

More tomorrow...

Home From the Cold - A Caribbean Cruise

Hey, peoples. Hope all is well with you out there and that you're taking the necessary precations against contracting the H1N1 virus. Here in Bim we've got four cases, thankfully mild. Check out the GIS' website here to find out what's happening with the virus and how government is responding. I wish they would do some research on the four patients and cross-check where they've been in the last two weeks or so, but I guess that's wishful thinking....

Anyhoo, a while back I introduced you to a relative of mine, nicknamed Kal-F, who has returned to live in Barbados after many years in Canada.

In this particular segment of his adventures, he is relating his experiences on a cruise around the Caribbean with some relatives. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.:) Hope you enjoy.

A Caribbean Cruise on the Carnival Destiny

Day One

Barb, who has arrived from Toronto just two days ago has already packed her duffle bag while I do some last minute mowing around the house so that the height of the grass will not overwhelm me when I get back. I get up around 6:00 a.m. and mow the grass for about two and a half hours. It takes me another hour to pack my suitcase, put the house plants where they can get some light, and pump up the front tire of the car which has been slowly leaking air for the past two weeks.

I am glad that I picked up that bicyle pump from Canadian Tire in Toronto two years ago. Overnight the tire goes completely flat and the service station is too far away to drive on it. Would you believe I have gotten it fixed twice already! The tire still has good treads on it and with the price of tires down here, I would like to get at least another year's use of it.

By 10:00 a.m. Barb's chorus (more like a plaintive wail) begins: Are we ready to go yet? This refrain will be repeated until we actually get the car out of the driveway and pointed toward the south of the island. Last minute checks: windows closed, curtains drawn, water turned off.

By 11:00 a.m. we're on our way. The plan is to check in (check-in time is between 10:30 a.m. and 12:30 p.m.), get our cabin, for me to drive the car back home and then take the bus back to Bridgetown, the capital city. We have plenty of time; the ship doesn't leave until 11:00 p.m. We first drive to my sister Pam to drop off her boarding pass which I have downloaded from the computer. She is still packing. Her daughter Shelley and son-in-law Robert are already on the ship. Shelley is always two hours early for everything. She certainly doesn't get that from Pam, who has never heard of the word punctuality.

We arrive at the port a few minutes before noon. I drop off Barb and the suitcases and exit the port compound to look for a parking space: I find one near Pelican Village, a local arts and crafts centre just outside the port and run into Judy whom I had not seen since 1980 when I spent a year in Barbados. She and her husband had beautifully renovated a house in Sunset Crest, a vocation village near Holetown, one of four towns on the island and where 80 British men and 10 African men, plundered from a Portuguese slave ship, had landed in 1627.

Judy's happy experience in Sunset Crest was not to last long, however. There were too many break-ins (a situation which I am told has been subsequently cleaned up). Judy has still retained her youthful looks, though much to my surprise and disappointment, has taken up smoking. (It looks like women aren't smarter than men after all). Judy and I chat for a little while. I explain my identity as I am sure that she doesn't remember who I am. After all, the last time she saw me there was hair (lots of it) on my head and my beard was black, not grizzly as it is now, a fact that makes strangers (mostly young men) on the street in Barbados address me as 'daddy': Would you like a car wash, daddy? By 'daddy' they mean 'old man', 'very old man'.

Judy and I promise to catch up now that I know where she works and I return to the port to go through Customs. There is a little hike to the ship and half-way there, Barb starts her plaintive wail: I don't see why we can't get a porter; after all , it would help the local economy. When I left home that morning I wasn't thinking much about the local economy but after she has mentioned it numerous times, I start to think that she is probably right but by now there are no porters in sight and we're almost at the ship's entrance: we have only two suitcases between us and mine, the heavier of the two, has wheels.

The check in goes quickly and soon we're on board on the third deck at the information desk awaiting our passport checks and the key cards to our cabin. Within 45 minutes we're comfortably esconsed in our second deck cabin which has a window and at the moment is on the port side of the ship. We quickly unpack and soon head up to the restaurant on deck nine to have lunch.

The restaurant is a big expansive room with an extension on deck ten so that one could look over the entire city of Bridgetown, which from the perspective of twelve stories up actually looks attractive. Service in the restaurant is buffet style and there is a wide variety of food. One nice thing about the Carnival Destiny is that smoking is not allowed indoors except in the casinos and seeing that that is one place that I will hardly frequent, I am happy.

Forty-five minutes later we're back in the cabin and realize that it is actually freezing; the air conditioning is noticeably cold and it looks like there is no way that we can adjust it. Barb decides to go exploring and I prepare to go back to shore to drive the car back home. As I leave the ship I feel a bit of raspiness in my throat and wonder if I'm coming down with something or if it's just the air conditioning. I hope and pray that I don't come down with something to put a damper on the trip. I return to the car and notice that the front tire again needs air and once again have to bring out the handy bicycle pump.

In a few minutes I'm on the Spring Garden highway heading north for St. Lucy, the most northerly parish on the island and the name that invariably evokes the response: You mean you live that far! (It's actually only 35 minutes away from Bridgetown, though you should bring along a lunch with you if you attempt it in rush hour).

On the way I take a detour to Warrens Shopping Centre a mile and a half to the east and the Glinko Biloba that I took this morning surprisingly kicks in to tell my memory to tell me that I should get some film and maybe a pack of dominoes. As soon as I enter SuperCentre Supermarket I run into Debbie, the travel agent who booked my cruise last January. We chat for about ten minutes and I don't have the heart to tell her that I am about to go on another cruise seeing that I didn't book with her this time. That won't happen again though. Her service was much better than what I received this time from my sister's travel agency. Debbie has to get to the bank and I have to get moving. We say goodbye and she promises to keep in touch. I pick up the film but forget to inquire where I can get dominoes. Must remember to increase my Glinko Biloba dosage.

As soon as I back the car into my garage, Michael, my next door neighbour, hails me, surprised that I am still on the island. I explain what the plan is and that the boat doesn't leave until 10 p.m. He kindly offers to drive me to Bridgetown saying that it would give him an excuse not to work in his garden where he has been labouring since dawn (since quitting his job six months ago he has become a full- time farmer). I accept his offer but tell him that he can drop me in Speightstown, only 15 minutes away, and I would take the bus from there to Bridgetown.

On the bus to Bridgetown my throat continues to feel raspy and I wonder where I will be able to find cough medicine at this hour. Most stores close up at 5:00 p.m. and it is now approaching 6 o'clock. Luckily when I get off the bus, a supermarket, a short walk from the port, is still open. I get the cough syrup and head for the ship.

Day Two on Monday.

Predatory Lending

My credit is crap, and I'm OK with that. I prefer living in the now on a cash available basis.

It's crap because of choices and decisions I made in the past that don't need to be delved into here. Perhaps another time.

Since my financial reboot, I have been getting lots of offers for credit cards.

Like this one.

"XAVIER ONASSIS,

You have been Pre-Approved for a Platinum Visa card with a credit line up to $1500."

They go on to tell you how fabulous this offer is, how easy it is to apply, all of the additional features they offer, blah, blah, blah.

The average consumer might think "This is my opportunity to rebuild my credit! Here is a company willing to give me a second chance! They've looked at my credit history and pre-approved me! They like me! They really, really like me!"

Umm, no, Sparky. That's not what is going on here.

The very first important piece of information listed is your Annual Percentage Rate.

23.90%

Yeah. You read that right. Seem excessive? Ever wonder why most credit card companies, including this one, have their HQ in Delaware?

It's because Republican Delaware Governor Pierre DuPont led an effort to redraft Delaware's tax laws to allow credit card companies to charge whatever interest rate they wanted to. No caps, no limits, no regulations. Go for it.

They can stick their predatory dicks as far up your ass as they want and you can't even scream for more lube.

So there's that.

Other prominent disclosures at the top are

Cash Advance Transaction Fee - $5.00 or 3% of the advance, whichever is greater

Minimum Finance Charge - $1.00 for any billing cycle in which a billing charge is due

Late Payment Fee - $32

Over Limit Fee - $30

Closed Account Maintenance Fee - $3 per month after account closure until paid in full.

The fine print in reduced font size and conveniently grayed out (as though it's not important) tells the informed consumer (like me) just how badly they can be butt fucked.

First of all, the Minimum Credit Line available is $200. Which is the credit line that people like me will get. People on this mailing list will NOT be getting the $1500 maximum. Don't kid yourself.

Immediately after that is the disclosure for ENROLLMENT AND ANNUAL FEES:

"A one time-only Enrolment Fee of $69 will be billed to your account when it's opened. The Annual Membership Fee of $69 will be billed to your account in monthly installments of $5.75 per month. These fees are not refundable unless you cancel your account within 30 days of the date your account is opened and if you have not used your credit account during this 30-day period."

But wait! It gets better!

"AVAILABLE CREDIT INFORMATION: The above Enrollment Fee and he first installment of he Annual Fee will be billed to your account when it is opened and will reduce the amount of your initial available credit. If your account is established with a $200 credit line, your initial available credit will be $125.25. If you select any optional feature for which a fee is charged, your initial credit will be further reduced."

One of the most prominent "optional features" is the Credit Protection Program.

I'll save you the legalese, but the bottom line is it's a program which, for a small monthly fee, it promises to allow you to cancel the "Payment Due for the Current Month" for up to 6 months and up to a maximum of $10,000.

Sounds good, right! Especially in this economy! You hit some hard times, you can just evoke your Credit Protection Program and not have to make any credit card payments for up to 6 months! Let you get back on your feet! AWESOME CREDIT CARD COMPANY!

Yuh huh.

Lets look at

AMOUNT OF PROGRAM CHARGE: The monthly Program Charge is based on your Account balance each month multiplied by the unit-cost, which is $0.96 (96 cents) per $100, or part thereof.

Alrighty then. Let's recap.

You're an average (stupid) consumer. You get an offer in the mail telling you you are pre-approved for a Visa card with a $1500 credit limit with a Credit Protection Program that will keep you from getting in the sort of problem you had before. They are willing to give you a second chance! Awesome!

You apply for the card and, of course, you get one.

You tuck it away in your wallet, not wanting to get back into debt again, but saving it for future emergency use.

Except.

It comes to you with a $69.00 balance and a guaranteed monthly charge of $5.75. This invokes the minimum finance charge of $1.00 a month in addition to the 23.90% finance charge.

If you went for the Credit Protection Program, there's another $0.96 per month per $100 of balance.

So even if you never swipe the card for a purchase and it just sits in your wallet, charges and interest rates increase without any action on your part.

Your initial $125.25 available credit is quickly overcome by automatic monthly charges and associated interest rates.

This will push you over your $200 credit limit and kick in the $30 Over Limit Fee.

If this gets hard to manage and you get behind, the $32 late payment fee starts to accumulate, adding to your balance to which the 23.90% interest rate is applied.

Get far enough behind that they close your account, and that triggers the $3 per month Closed Account Maintenance Fee.

So, bottom line.

You can optimistically apply for a seemingly generous credit card offer, never charge a dime on it, and immediately find yourself in debt over your head and very, very quickly get yourself in a downward spiral of fees and interest from which you can't escape.

This, my friends, is why unfettered Free Enterprise does not work.

Federal regulations are needed to call Shenanigans and say "No. I don't give a fuck what state you are in. You can't do shit like that in The United States of America, because we don't play that shit."

There Is Something Hinkey About This

Dad seeks custody of son taken to Brazil

"In 2004, David Goldman dropped off his wife, Bruna, and then-4-year-old son, Sean, at the airport for a two-week vacation in Brazil. Shortly after she arrived in her native country, Bruna told David she wanted a divorce and planned to stay in Brazil with their son.

Bruna later remarried and got pregnant, but she died while giving birth last summer. Goldman thought he was getting his son back, but a Brazilian family court judge granted custody of Sean to Bruna's new husband."

Goldman has been on every other TV show for years pleading his case.



But something about this whole scenario just rings hollow.

He claims no knowledge of any problems in the marriage before the wife split. OK. I can buy that. Been there, done that, twice.

But apparently there were problems. Problems so great that she didn't feel she could talk to him about them. Problems so great that she not only had to stage a surreptitious and dramatic escape to another continent, but she had to take her son with her.

Why?

According to Goldman, he got a call from Brazil on Father's Day.

"Bruna [his wife] says, "David, we need to talk. You're a great guy. You're a wonderful father, but our love affair is ended, is over. I've decided I want to live in Brazil and you need to come down to Brazil immediately and sign 10 pages of papers with my attorney." There was a list of demands on these papers. One was giving her full custody. Another was to never go to the courts to file any claims of kidnapping or criminal charges."

Alright, I've been through two divorces and more breakups than most people have had relationships. This account just reeks of bullshit. Relationships just don't end this way.

There is some shit going on that we don't know about and probably won't because the wife and mother is dead.

But here is what I think this is about.

As the biological father, Goldman is obligated to provide child support.

But the child's mother is dead and the child support payments would be going to the step father in Brazil, the man his wife left him for, and who has custody of his son.

His son is now 9 years old. I don't think Goldman wants to be forced to pay 5 years of retroactive and 9 years of proactive child support to the Brazilian guy who fucked and stole his wife.

Can't say as I blame him.

But it's completely wrong to stick his son in the middle of a 5 year long, international custody dispute in order to save face and money. That's not putting the interest of he child first.

The child is blameless in this and should be every one's first priority. Clearly, he is not.

This is all speculation on my part. I don't know what Goldman's motivation is. I don't know why his wife felt it necessary to make such a dramatic escape. I don't know why she remarried and became tragically pregnant so quickly. I don't know why Goldman would spend so much money over so many years to regain custody of a son that doesn't even remember him. I don't know why the wife's family in Brazil would fight so hard to keep the kid from going back to his father.

All I know is, it smells. Something isn't right. We don't have the complete story.

My God

No, I haven't found religion. I just can't think of any other words to voice my disbelief at the sheer self-satire contained in this video.

This is the most unbelievablely out-of-touch-with-reality piece of video I've ever seen.

What an incredible assemblage of attention whores! Geraldo Rivera? Ollie North? The sadly disappointing and pathetic Juan Williams?

Do they really believe this crap? Do they not get how full of shit they are?



Are you fucking kidding me? How can anyone with a pulse, over 32 brain cells and even the most basic of critical thinking skills believe this crap?



There is no network on the air more biased, less objective, more full of spin and with more of an agenda than Fox News.

All Bullshit, All The Time!

I don't have to make fun of them.

They parody themselves without realizing it.

Sugar Creek Slavic Festival Tonight

When:
RIGHT NOW!

Where:
Mike Onka Memorial Building
11520 E. Putnam
Sugar Creek, MO


View Larger Map

After the Outlaw Cigar Party earlier today, I decided to swing by the Slavic Fest. I almost went last year, but when I got to the gate I realized I didn't have any cash and it didn't look like the kind of place that would take plastic, so I bailed and did something else.

But this year I had some cash on me, so I went. $3.00 to get in the door. Not bad at all.

I was WAAYYY early. Gates opened at 3, I was there at 3:15. As I'm writing this it's 6:45 and I'm sure the place isn't even beginning to get hopping yet. The party goes till 11 tonight.

But I don't really like crowds and I just wanted to sample the food, so the "in and out early" technique that I employ at most social events was perfect.

After securing a Boulevard Wheat, my next stop was "Peter May's House of Kielbasa". Although, let's be honest, it was more of a "Tent of Kielbasa"



The process of aquiring food and drink was very strange. You couldn't actually use money. You had to use your money to buy tickets, which could then be exchanged a mere 2 feet away in the same tent for the actual food or drink.

What the fuck?

Is this a modern simulation of some sort of ancient, Slavic barter system? Or is it some sort of "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" way of getting around liquor laws and food safety regulations governing actual businesses?

I don't know, but it was all very confusing. Especially when I went to buy my ticket for the $4.00 kielbasa kabob. I gave the geezer my $4, but he only gave me a $2 ticket. I told him I needed another ticket. He said the tickets were "misprinted". The $2 ticket WAS the $4 ticket.

Alright, let's be clear here. That doesn't sound like a "misprint". It sounds like somebody ordered the wrong fucking tickets from the carnival company or whereever the fuck you order tickets from.

But whatevies. I got my kabob and it was toolicious!



I consumed my food on a stick and then nursed my beer as I surveyed the festival grounds. There is a main stage for the big musical acts with a large, open dance area where the bulk of the drunken festivities will ensue.



And there is a smaller venue inside for the most ancient of humans.



I found the carnival entertainment for the children to be somewhat lacking. A single inflatable bouncy house is kinda lame. I mean come on. I've seen birthday parties for kids in Excelsior Springs with more elaborate attractions.



How much can one of those toothless, unsafe, travelling, midwest, carnival companies really charge to come in and set up a Tilt-A-Whirl or Spinning-Tea-Cups?

I think Peter May might be related to Billy May.



Because he wasnt content to just thrust his kielbasa in your face, he was branching out into other merchandising.



Like T-shirts.



The headliner tonight is the 2 time grammy winning group Brave Combo! You should get off your lazy ass and go! There is stil plenty of time. Here is Brave Combo performing "People Are Strange" by The Doors at the Slavic Fest in 2007.



After thoroughly researching the event, I was done and ready to come home. I had no desire to stay until the place was filled with drunken, Sugar Creek Slavs dancing the night away. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just too old for that crap.

And too smart for DUI checkpoints. Fuck. That.

I had six bucks left so I picked up some ethnic desert to take home. It's called "kolache". Strangely, I could exchange cash directly for kolaches. The intervention of the tickets was not needed. I do not understand Slovacian customs or Sugar Creek laws.



The ones on the left are apricot kolaches. The ones on the right are prune kolaches.

I sampled one of each with a splash of bourbon and they were quite tasty.

But I didn't detect any major ethnic or cultural WOWness. It's bread and fruit.

Go get some fucking Pillsbury dough, flatten it, bake it, squirt some fruit paste into it and VOILA! Kolaches!

What I did detect, whoever, was an uproar in my bowels. My digective tract has no idea what the fuck a "kielbasa" is or what to do with it.

Top that off with a prune filled pastry and this is going to be a very interesting weekend.

I'll be sure to keep you posted!

Ciao, babies!

It's a Good Day So Far!

This was breakfast at the Outlaw Cigar party.



There were Corvettes, motorcycle, guns...





...and some really big, impressive equipment on display.



Now it's off for Round Two at the Sugar Creek Slavic Festival for some kielbasa and polka!

This Looks About Right

Your results:
You are Will Riker

Will Riker 80% Spock 70% Jean-Luc Picard 60% Worf 60% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 55% Deanna Troi 55% Beverly Crusher 50% Mr. Scott 45% Chekov 45% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 45% James T. Kirk (Captain) 40% Uhura 35% Geordi LaForge 35% Data 34% Mr. Sulu 30%

At times you are self-centered but you have many friends. You love many women, but the right woman could get you to settle down.

Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character are you?" quiz...

The Worst Blogging Advice Ever

Mary Sanchez laments the sad fate of a blogging waitress who was fired from her job for blogging about being a waitress.

Should a witty blog about your job get you fired?

The short answer to this question, is YES, you fucking moron!

"The restaurant server predicted her own demise when she posted these words: “Well, here goes suicide by blog. Stay tuned for the fallout."

Good call. One might almost say, prophetic.

The stupidest thing any blogger can do is blog about their real life, their real job, or their real employer's customers.

Mary seems to disagree.

"The terms “well-written” and “blog” usually don’t coexist locally. But this KU journalism graduate and Wichita native followed the axiom for novice and professional writers alike — write what you know."

Unless you plan on being an unrelenting, enthusiastic shill for who you work for and what you do for a living, this is the dumbest fucking advice in the world.

If you create a blog for the sole purpose of making fun of your job, your employer, and your employer's customers, don't get your panties in a twist when your employer finds out about your blog (as they almost always will) and decides that your continued employment and blogging are not compatible with their corporate strategy and goals.

Ever heard of a "firewall"? It's the thing that protects your PC from getting hacked by the "evil doers".

Bloggers need to have a firewall between the shit they say on their blogs and who they are in real life.

If you don't establish and enforce this firewall of anonymity, there are only 2 outcomes:

1. Your ability to freely express yourself online will be constrained by the fear of real world repercussions such as possible loss of employment, alienation of family, and other unpleasant consequences.

2. You will blatantly flaunt the above precautions, your friends, family and employers WILL find your blog, you WILL be fired, you WILL be denied future opportunities, and you WILL be sorry you every peed in the Internet pool.

If, like me, you view blogging as a creative outlet where you get to say whatever the fuck you want to say because you need to blow off steam, DO NOT follow the advice of Mary Sanchez, local Social Media gurus, or anyone else who uses terms like "Web X.x", "personal branding" or "off the keyboard".

But if you want to turn the mythological "Permanent Record" into a reality and hand it all of your info on a Silver Platter, then by all means, "blog about what you know". I'm sure future employers will be chomping at the bit to hire you when they easily find out that you made derogatory blog posts that you thought were "witty and insightful" about your former employer and their customers.

Because what employer doesn't want it's employees undermining their business and driving away their customers?

Iron Man 2 vs. Whiplash!

Looks like the rumors are true. Iron Man's nemesis in Iron Man 2 will be Mickey Rourke as Whiplash.





Here's hoping they manage to work in some of this zipper-mouth, leather-bondage, Pulp Fiction-Gimp imagery.

I Need Professional Help

I have needs! I'm willing to barter services.

My needs fall in to 2 categories:

HOME NETWORKING

I have a wireless home network that mostly works. In fact, for the very first time, I was able to successfully print a document from my HP mini on the Canon printer hooked up to my upstairs desktop over the wireless network. YAY!

Over the weekend, I was also able to secure my wireless network so my neighbors couldn't piggyback on my wifi signal.

However, I have also taken a step backwards. I can no longer access the internet through my wireless network via my HP netbook. This is a HUGE problem.

Finally, I have a huge, 200 gb hard drive that I salvaged from my old Dell XPS that I have transferred to a Rocketfish hard drive enclosure. It is connected via a USB cable to my desktop. I need to be able to access it over my wireless network from my netbook.

So, to summarize my Home Networking issues:

Need the network to be secure.

Need to be able to access all peripherals from all connected computers.

Need to be able to access all files on all file storage devices from all connected computers.

Need shared access to the internet from all connected computers.

I would also like to be able to easily add new computers to my home network that will share all of the above qualities, but allow me administrator rights to lock out selective rights.

So there's that.

The other category of Help Needed involves this blog.

HTML ERRORS

I've had complaints of my blog crashing my visitors systems. Hell, sometmes it even brings me to a halt. I removed a lot of the overhead, but the problem persists.

One of my Aussie buddies pointed me to W3C Markup Validator. It found 589 errors and 178 warnings in the HTML code for my blog. I suspect this is the culprit. I don't know HTML. I don't know how to clean it up.

I can supply a text file or link to the HTML file. I need someone to CLEAN MY SHIT UP!

These are my needs.

If you are local, I can barter services. If you aren't local, I am open to other barter suggestions.

But I seriously need some professional help. I'm in over my head.

Rihanna sits courtside at Lakers/Magic game

It's been a while since I've had a Rihanna post, 'cause frankly I was tired of all the drama with her and what's his name and then the leaked photos....whatev.

Anyhoo, a post about our local superstar would help to balance out the gloom of the previous one on H1N1, so here goes.

On Saturday, Rihanna took in a Lakers game against the Orlando Magic and she seems to have had a grand time.






I see Rih-Rih's still sporting the big hair. Even Halle Berry has cut hers again. Anyhoo. do your thing, girl. Just make some more music and ease of the drama....

Images: theybf.com

And then there were two...

Barbados has recorded another case of influenza A/H1N1, this time a young female unrelated to the previous case. You can read the news story here.

I know it's too early to start implementing extrme measures like limiting travel or large social gatherings, but I know that personally I plan to avoid activities involving large groups and take all the sanitary precautions. With a baby at home I'm not taking any chances.

You all be safe out there.

Image: www.cealagar.com

Katie Horner. Srsly?

Dear KCTV5,

This Katie Horner thing is becoming absurd. No, it is light years past absurd!

Tonight I was listening to what the Chairman of The Federal Reserve had to say about the health of our economy on 60 Minutes when your attention whore breaks in to talk about a storm 2 hours north of us and headed east. Not south, not threatening Kansas City, but east. Away from us. No impact to Kansas City whatsoever.

I'm quite certain that people who live north of St. Joseph can get their weather bulletins from whomever the St. Joseph CBS affiliates weather attention whore is.

It is now 8:00. Not a single drop of rain has fallen. Not a single rumble of thunder has been heard. I am enjoying "Three Kings" on AMC to avoid Katie's masturbatory revellrey in the sound of her own voice and her seemingly orgasmic pleasure in forcing everyone to watch her and listen to her when we would rather be doing something else.

She's like some sort of weather dominatrix who takes pleasure in inflicting meteorlogical pain on innocent viewers.

You, as her employer, are enabling her sick addiction.

She needs an interdiction. Only an interdiction on live TV that interrupts one of her interruptions can come close to repairing the damage that she has done to KCTV5.

Yank that self-absorbed, octo-mom off the air and only pre-empt CBS programming when actual Kansas City area residents are in immediate danger.

kthxbai.

My First "I Just Won The Lottery!" Purchases

If I won the lottery...



NEC 43" Curved LCD

"The NEC's new 43-inch curved LCD on sale July, featuring 2880 x 900 pixel resolution, it looks amazing! It will cost you $8,000! More specs: 200 cd/m² brightness, 0.02ms Rapid Response, 10,000:1 contrast ratio, Wide color gamut with 100% coverage of sRGB and 99.3% coverage of Adobe RGB, USB Ports, DVI-D and HDMI 1.3 input connectors."

Star Trek Classic Captain Kirk Chair

"The unbelievable chair measures 41-inches tall x 42-inches wide x 39-inches deep. It weighs about 215 pounds! The working swivel seat with wooden handles, leather seat cover, and armrest controls make this the perfect addition to any collection, display, home theater, or museum! The chair, seat of the chair and arms of the chair are made of wood, the seat is covered in leather. There is an iron base the chair is mounted on for rigidity. Limited edition of 1,701 pieces worldwide."

But with ButtKicker technology!




Harmony® 1100

This will be mounted into the arm rest.

"3.5-inch color touch screen: You’ll be able to see the icons and commands, even in the dark. You’ll have the commands you want, when you want them. And you’ll be able to access all the functions of your devices. Help is even available right on the screen.

RF wireless capability: Lets you control devices that you keep behind closed doors, even those you can’t see. (Requires the Logitech® Harmony® RF Extender, sold separately.)

Customizable icons and controls: You choose the commands you want to see, when you want to see them. Even choose the icons you want to use for each command.

One touch to your entertainment: No more complicated lists of what to turn on or which button to select.

Everyone can select what they want to do—such as “Watch TV”—and your Harmony remote does the rest.

Replaces up to 15 remotes: You won’t waste time digging through a pile of remotes again.

Charged and ready: It’s rechargeable so you won’t be looking for batteries when you want to be watching TV.

Guided online setup: You connect your Harmony remote to your computer and you’re guided through every step.

Live answers to your questions: If you hit a snag, live customer support is ready to help.

World’s largest A/V control database: Your Harmony supports more than 225,000 devices from 5,000 brands, so you know it will work with what you have today and what you’ll add tomorrow."

LG BD390

"Integrated 802.11n Wi-Fi; Netflix, YouTube, and CinemaNow streaming; superfast disc loading; plays music, videos, and pictures off a connected USB drive or over network; Profile 2.0 compatible; onboard decoding for Dolby TrueHD and DTS-HD Master Audio; 7.1 analog outputs; 1GB onboard memory."

Panasonic SC-PT760

"It comes with a smooth-running five-disc DVD changer, wireless surround speakers, an integrated, flip-down iPod dock, and upscales video over HDMI up to 1080p"

If I'm reading all of this correctly, I could download internet porn, watch it in HD on a curving 43" screen, hear the faked orgasms in bowel-loosening, bass-rumbling, surround sound, while controlling everything with a high-tech remote from Captain Kirk's Command Chair.

This is pretty much all I ask of life. I'm a low maitnenance kind of guy.

After securing and installing all of the above, I might consider paying some bills, buying my daughter a car and maybe starting a college fund for her.