KSHB "Business In Action"

This is balatant corporate whoredom. It is an infomercial disguised as some local business doing something good.

It is sandwiched between softcore, Sunday evening, pseudo-news and presented as though it is something important that you should pay attention to.
BULLSHIT!

They are a throwback to all that was wrong with early television. Corporations and advertisers have always sought to blur the boundry between advertising and fact.

Disasters in Dating Part 4

Yes readers, it's time for another chapter of "Disasters in Dating"!

Now, let me start by saying that there was no actual date involved in this story. So if you are someone I've dated recently, rest assured, this is not about you.

Call me!

No, this whole story played out in the course of this morning.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to any of you to know that I have my profile posted on a few online dating sites. It's always good to diversify. Don't want to have all of you nuts in one sack, as it were.

Some are better than others. One in particular is yielding very poor results indeed. Every time I look at the "matches" they have found I scream "THAT'S A GODDAMN LIE! THOSE ARE NOT MY FUCKING MATCHES!"

But I was on one of the better sites this morning, looking at profiles and saw one that caught me eye. Very, attractive. Profile was well written and honest. We shared similar professions. She captured my interest so I shot her a quick note.

To my delight, she responded.

"Hi Xavier,

Thanks for your icebreaker.

I, too, am honest, upfront and yes, confident in who I am.

Your profile said you were an atheist... it that real or part of your sense of humor?

I am a christian, don't preach it or push it, haven't even been to church for a long, long time. But, I do live it.

~~~ personal info redacted ~~~

If you'd like to respond more, write me.

~~~ personal info redacted ~~~

-the Yahoo police will get me if I don't code it that way.

~~~ personal info redacted ~~~

Interested?

Thanks Xavier,

~~~ personal info redacted ~~~"

Sweet! Sounded like maybe I should explain myself, so I did. I won't bore you with those details. You all know I'm an atheist, you all know why, you've all heard it before. The important thing for you to know is that I sent her the email from my Xavier Onassis account that has the link to my blog on it.

Here is what I got back.

"Hi Xavier,

Thanks for the reply, and I really did appreciate your explanation.

I clicked on your Hip Suburban White Guy link and was blown away. I am a simple girl from the country, now living in the big city. I think you are way too "out there" for me. I don't think we could share in a conversation. OK, I could probably not share in a conversation with you.

You seem very intelligent and knowledgeable about alot of things, that I am just not interested in. I would bore you to death. Don't get me wrong, I'm intelligent, just try to stay away from a life of sarcasm, ranting and raving. Makes my head hurt!

I am more about two people sharing each other's lives and interests. Making each other feel like they are on top of the world. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks.

~~~ personal info redacted ~~~

I believe in live and let live.

I think I could fuck your brains out, show you some feelings that you've never felt before, but then that would be judgemental of me, you would say something, I would be out in left field, and our time together would be over.

Thanks for your time and writing back- I just don't think we are a good match."

I have to say, she seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders. She made a good call.

I actually thought about removing the link to the blog from my auto-signature, but I decided that would be dishonest so I left it in.

Jaclyn was right! Why am I not surprised?

When I started my blog just over 3 years ago, the "Xavier Onassis" persona was a buffer between the real me and the Internet masses. Kind of like a super hero's secret identity. It allowed me the anonymity to do and say things that I might not do or say in real life. Outrageous, inflammatory things. Established local bloggers seemed to be doing that to get attention and traffic, so I thought I needed to do that too.

But over time, much like an old married couple, I've become more like XO and XO has become more like me. Which probably explains why this blog has become so fucking boring.

The nexus of this merger came when I heard one of my most respected friends and blogging buddies describing me to a new blogger (and my new BFF) by saying "XO in real life is EXACTLY like he is on his blog." And I took it as a compliment.

Well, fuck me running!

I suppose I should view this as a good thing. From now on,

"Instead of a couple of months of expensive, awkward dinners, happy hour drinks and strained social activities, why don't you just spend a couple of hours reading my blog and get back to me."

It does seem to be a much more elegant and streamlined approach.

So much simpler.

And So It Begins

"Judge OKs probe of torture complaint against Bush officials"

"(CNN) -- A senior Spanish judge has ordered prosecutors to investigate whether key Bush aides should be charged with crimes over the Guantanamo Bay detention center, a lawyer said Sunday.

Investigating magistrate Baltasar Garzon has passed a 98-page complaint to prosecutors that accuses former Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales and five others of being the legal architects of system that allowed torture in violation of international law, human rights lawyer Gonzalo Boye told CNN.

Garzon says the case can be brought under Spanish law because several Spaniards were held at Guantanamo."

"...and other top Bush administration officials John C. Yoo, Douglas J. Feith, William J. Hayes II, Jay S. Bybee and David S. Addington."

I wrote about the inevitability of this happening back in January and we had quite a lively discussion about it in the comments.

This is not a matter to be taken lightly.

"Garzon, Spain's best-known investigating magistrate, issued the precedent-setting arrest warrant for former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet in 1998."

You may recall that as a result of that indictment, General Pinochet was, in fact, arrested while visiting London.




Although the United States and Spain have had an Extradition Treaty with one another since 1970, I don't expect the United States to hand these folks over for trial, or jail time if found guilty. In fact Article 5, Section A,4 of the treaty gives the accused in this case an out.

"A. Extradition shall not be granted in any of the following circumstances:

4. When the offense in respect of which the extradition is requested is regarded by the requested Party as an offense of a political character, or that Party has substantial grounds for believing that the request for extradition has been made for the purpose of trying or punishing a person for an offense of the above mentioned character. If any question arises as to whether a case comes within the provisions of this subparagraph, the authorities of the Government on which the requisition is made shall decide."

There is the "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. So no, the United States will not be handing these boys over. But someone else sure as hell could.

If the Spanish court finds the defendants guilty, they could issue a European Arrest Warrant.

"The Extradition Act 2003 divides the UK's extradition partners into two categories. Part 1 territories are those EU member states who, like the UK, operate the European Arrest Warrant (EAW) procedure. These are:

Austria; Belgium; Cyprus; Czech Republic; Denmark; Estonia; Finland; France; Germany; Greece; Hungary; Ireland; Italy; Latvia; Lithuania; Luxembourg; Malta; the Netherlands; Poland; Portugal; Slovakia; Slovenia; Spain; and Sweden

Part 2 territories include those Members of the Council of Europe who are not in the EU and are party to the European Convention on Extradition; Commonwealth territories; and bilateral extradition treaty partners, such as the United States. These are:

Albania; Andorra; Antigua and Barbuda; Armenia; Argentina; Australia; Azerbaijan; The Bahamas; Bangladesh; Barbados; Belize; Bolivia; Bosnia and Herzegovina; Botswana; Brazil; Brunei; Bulgaria; Canada; Chile; Colombia; Cook Islands; Croatia; Cuba; Dominica; Ecuador; El Salvador; Fiji; The Gambia; Georgia; Ghana; Grenada; Guatemala; Guyana; Haiti; Hong Kong Special Administrative Region *; Iceland; India; Iraq; Israel; Jamaica; Kenya; Kiribati; Lesotho; Liberia; Liechtenstein; the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia; Malawi; Malaysia; Maldives; Mauritius; Mexico; Moldova; Monaco; Nauru; New Zealand; Nicaragua; Nigeria; Norway; Panama; Papua New Guinea; Paraguay; Peru; Romania; Russian Federation; Saint Christopher and Nevis; Saint Lucia; Saint Vincent and the Grenadines; San Marino; Serbia and Montenegro; Seychelles; Sierra Leone; Singapore; Solomon Islands; South Africa; Sri Lanka; Swaziland; Switzerland; Tanzania; Thailand; Tonga; Trinidad and Tobago; Turkey; Tuvalu; Uganda; Ukraine; United States of America; Uruguay; Vanuatu; Western Samoa; Zambia and Zimbabwe."

If any of those people were to travel to any of the above countries, they could be arrested, held and transported to Spain for trial or sentencing and there wouldn't be a damn thing the United States could, or should, do to stop it.

In fact, you know what would be funny as hell in this case? Extreme Rendition. One of these countries on that list could form a team of crack commandos to just come into the U.S., snatch those 5 up and hustle them off for trial.

I mean hell, we've done it, so it can't be wrong. We don't break the law. What's to stop 'em?

It will be interesting to see how this all plays out.

Fun Friday - Fave era defining movies

If you're a movie fanatic like me, every now and again you reminisce about a great movie experience; those movies that defined the era they were in, set trends or were the talk of the town for a period of time.

Sadly, I find that in recent years the quality of movies has declined, and now I seldom remember a movie the day after I watched it. Anyhoo, here are some of my favourite movies that defined the era they were in and have a cult following to this day.

1970s


The Harder They Come
www.stevecake.com
I was only one year old when this movie came out in 1973, but it became a favourite of mine when I watched it about 15 years later. Jimmy Cliff turned in a powerful portrayal of reggae singer turned criminal Ivanhoe Martin and the film's soundtrack -especially the hit Many Rivers to Cross - is legendary. It set the foundation for other popular Caribbean movies such as Dancehall Queen to follow, and if it were released today I'm sure it would be an Oscar contender.


Star Wars
www.squidoo.com
I still believe that Star Wars is the greatest adventure ever told. Thirty-two years after the release of the first movie in the franchise, the force is stronger than ever. George Lucas' tale of lightsaber-wielding heroes, captured princesses and alien species laid the groundwork for many of the science fiction films we see today.


Roots
www.teachwithmovies.com
Althought Roots was really a television miniseries and not a movie in the true sense, I thought I would still include it. Looking back, for the story of multiple generations of African Americans, starting with their ancestor the slave Kunta Kinte, to be told on tv in the US in 1971 was quite an achievement.


1980s


Indiana Jones
www.superherouniverse.com
Harrison Ford followed up his acting debut in Star Wars with that of adventurous archaelogoy professor Indiana Jones. The first movie in the franchise, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, was released in 1981 and started off a decade of pretty cool adventure movies. To show the popularity of the series, an Indiana Jones movie was released last year, even though Harrison Ford must be 100 years old by now. Just kidding.


Terminator
www.findmearobot.com
Before he was the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger was the star of a little movie called Terminator, which blew into theatres in the summer of 1984. Since then, the phrase "I'll be back" has become part of movie history.

I remember going to the Globe Cinema with my sister and cousin to watch Terminator and let me tell you, a serious crowd was waiting to get in to watch the film. The three of us couldn't even sit together, it was that crowded. I had to watch the movie again on video because the audience was screaming from start to finish and I couldn't hear a word of the dialogue. Ah, movie memories.


Aliens
www.best-horror-movies.com
The 80s were great for science fiction, and Aliens was right up there at the top of the list. It isn't every day that a sci-fi adventure gets nominated for Oscars; Aliens was that good.


Top Gun
www.scienceblogs.com
The adrenaline-rush of a movie Top Gun must have been single-handedly responsible for a boost in recruitment for the US Navy. Every kid back in 1986 wanted to fly an F-111, and I suspect the sales of aviator sunglasses went through the roof too. Oh, yeah, and Tom Cruise was in the movie, too.


Dirty Dancing
http://community.comcast.net
I'm not ashamed to admit that I've watched Dirty Dancing at least 15 times. I knew the lyrics of every song on its soundtrack and I knew some of the dialogue too. (I obviously had a lot of time on my hands back in 1987.) Anyhoo, Dirty Dancing was more than just a mere dance movie; it was about class consciousness and coming of age. And the fact that Patrick Swayze looked hot didn't hurt either....


1990s



Waiting to Exhale
www.whitney-fan.com
One of the most popular female ensemble movies of all time, Waiting to Exhale (1995) had it all: a killer soundtrack, Whitney Houston and a pyromaniac Angela Bassett. Men hated this movie as much as women loved it, and lived in fear of their wives or girlfriends making a bonfire out of their prized possessions just like Bassett's character Bernie did.

It was good to see black women in a movie who weren't drug addicts or prostitutes and I'm sure Waiting to Exhale can be seen as the predecessor to other urban movies about upwardly mobile African American women.


The Matrix
www.scienceortechnology.com
When it burst on to the scene in 1999, The Matrix was more than a movie, it was an experience. Revolutionary special effects, killer style and swagger to the bone, the movie was an assault on the senses. That I had to watch it again to understand what the heck was going on wasn't an issue. I'm glad I took the red pill.

I Need a Set of Salt & Pepper Shakers

You all know I like to cook. After my last divorce I spent some serious coin on some quality cookware and cutlery.

But I did so to the detriment of other important culinary presentation choices.

My salt & pepper shakers suck ASS. All of them! Everyone says so.

I need a new pair of salt & pepper shakers that embody the spirit and ideal of The Hip Suburban White Guy. Something elegant and classy. Maybe something like this.



If you were on a road trip and stopped at a cheesey souvenier shop, which salt & pepper shakers would you bring back and say "I saw these and thought of you!"?

Rihanna's gunning for attention

I guess Rihanna's publicists are giving the tabloids something else to focus on apart from her troubles with what's-his-name. Whether that's so or not, it doesn't change the fact that the girl has gone and had the image of a gun tattooed on herself.

According to YBF.com, Rihanna allegedly flew her tattoo artist Bang Bang to LA to have it done.


Now, she may have had this tattoo before the assault, to further boost her 'bad girl' image. But if it was done afterwards, well, it invites certain questions:

Is she tired of being seen as a victim and wants to be seen as a 'bad girl' again?

Is she trying to send a message to Chris Brown?

Does Chris have a matching gun tattoo as well?

Did she really spend good money to fly in a tattoo artist to design that tacky looking thing?

Sigh. What do I know. I guess if I was 21, had tons of cash and no close parental guidance I would do some crazy stuff too. Just don't shave your head bald like Britney Spears did, I beg you....


Image: http://theybf.com

Almost locked up in Barbados Pt. 7

By Kal-F

The heavy looking doors of the traffic court did not open until 10:30 am and soon those who had been waiting around the area gravitated to its entrance after a court officer came out with papers in hand and in the now blazing sun started calling out names. I waited in the shade for a few minutes and then just as the officer seemed to be getting to the end of the list walked closer to the back of the gathering of about twenty people.

As I stood there momentarily waiting my turn, a young man in front glanced back at me and then whispered something to another young man which sounded like, "Here comes the judge," and the two of them stepped out of the way, motioning to me to go forward. I approached the court officer and gave him my name which he ticked off the list and then asked,

" Yes , sir, what date can you come back for your trial?"

Glad that he had not mistaken me for a lawyer or a judge I explained to him that I was planning to be out of the island soon and would prefer to get the matter dealt with on that day. He said that the court was too busy to hear my case and that I could set any date I wanted.

With the emotional upheaval I had gone through in the previous weeks awaiting the trial, I did not cherish the thought of prolonging what for me was an ordeal, so I said him, " I don't want to come back. Can I not just plead guilty and pay the fine?"

"Is this your first time in court for a traffic violation?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"And you haven't hit any chickens lately?"

"No," I emphatically replied, smiling at the part-time comedian and wondering how he knew my sordid past.

"Hold on for a few minutes," he said. "I'll see what I can do."

While he walked over to a room which said 'Criminal Court #1' on the entrance, I retook my place out of the sun and continued to wait. Moments later a young woman with a child on her shoulder passed by, heading for the Registrar's Office. She smiled at me and I returned her smile with, "Good morning."

Stopping momentarily, she looked at me as if trying to figure out who I was. The child on her shoulder also smiled at me and waved a cute little hand. Not wanting to explain to anyone again, "No, I am not a lawyer," I was glad when she simply uttered the local greeting, "Alright, ok," and continued on her way into the Registrar's Office.

A few minutes later the court officer reappeared and signalled me to come with him. He led me into Criminal Court# 1 where about twenty people had already gathered and told me to leave my umbrella and briefcase at the back of the room and take a seat at the front. Moments later I heard someone say, "All rise," and the judge, a man similar in age to me with a salt and pepper beard, entered the chamber.

Quickly getting down to business, the prosecutor, who was really the station sergeant, motioned me to take the witness stand and he then explained to the judge that my case was a traffic court matter which because of extenuating circumstances, had to be brought forward. He read the charge to the judge who then turned to me and asked, " How do you plead?"

" Yes, Your Honour, I plead guilty of making a left turn just as the light was turning red." The answer was superfluous but I was trying feverishly to impress on the judge that I was not reckless enough to actually go straight ahead through a red light and that turning left was maybe not quite as irresponsible.

My ploy seemed to have worked because the judge then asked the prosecutor to convince him about the seriousness of what I had done. The prosecutor in turn made a general statement that there seemed to be a growing trend among motorists in Barbados not to take a red light seriously, and then surprisingly added, "I am not suggesting that this is the case with this present defendant, Your Honour."

Those last words warmed my heart and the thought immediately occurred to me that the prosecutor should also be added to the list of potential candidates for some of my future mangoes.

The judge then asked me how fast I was travelling and how far away from the intersection I was when the light was amber.

"I was travelling no more than thirty kilometres per hour and was about ten feet away from the intersection before the light turned red, Your Honour," was my answer.

Expecting him to repeat the lecture I had been given by the arresting officer two years earlier when the officer said that I could have easily stopped without creating any problems, I quickly added, "Your honour, I admit that what I did was a miscalculation and a mistake and I apologise to the court."

He seemed to have appreciated my statement of remorse and said aphoristically, "Alright, where there's common sense , there should be a state of grace. I'll give you a discount partly because I really like your suit."

I tried hard to show a spirit 'restrained from overweening joy' as my favourite Latin poet Horace used to say but I started to like this judge so much that I wanted to go out and buy 'Just for men' hair gel for him and his beard. Pointing to the desk in front of him crowded with books and papers, he said,

"You see the status of my desk here? Well, we can do with some help."

I was not sure exactly what he meant and wondered if he wanted me to stay behind to clean up his desk after the day's session which I willingly would have done.

"Talk to the officers at the back of the room there and they will tell you what to do," he finally said and with that, the prosecutor motioned for me to step down from the witness stand.

At the back of the court two officers were sitting at a table recording court procedure and as I walked back and retrieved my umbrella and briefcase, one of them handed me a piece of paper on which he had written: "two packages of printing paper, one box of black-ink pens."

"What's this? " I asked.

The officer replied, "That's what the court wants from you."

"Seriously?" I asked, not believing my good fortune.

"Yes, the judge has discharged you but wants you to help us out by buying some stationery for the court in the next few weeks."

"Yes, yes, I'll get it right away," I almost shouted and with that I went skipping happily down the court steps to start my shopping for District A Criminal Court # 1.

Within minutes I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders, like I had escaped from Alcatraz, almost as happy as on the day I had retired from teaching. The mid-morning sun was beating down but I was as cool as a cucumber and my only worry in the world at that moment was to decide whether to go shopping at Woolworth's or Cave Shepherd.


This is where the story ends folks. Look out soon again for more adventures of
Kal-F, who's 'home from the cold', a Bajan back home after many years in Canada.

Almost locked up in Barbados Pt. 6

Seldom in my life have I been on Broad Street, the main thoroughfare in Bridgetown, at 8 a.m. I was surprised by the sparseness of population at that time of the day.

However, the people I met along the way were incredibly cordial. Many said, "Good morning, sir." One fruit vendor waved and shouted from the opposite side of the street, "Have a good day, boss."

Buoyed up a little by this spontaneous show of friendliness, a few minutes later I happened to glance at a mirrored door and saw a man in a dark blue suit wearing smart-looking sunglasses with a briefcase in one hand and a folded umbrella in the other, looking strikingly distinguished.

There is a nice looking man, I thought and then shockingly realised that I was seeing myself in the mirror. I looked important, like, in the local parlance, a 'Big Up', and the people I was passing on the street seemed to think so too. The temptation to indulge in a moment of narcissism was oh so strong but my growing nervousness about the task at hand kept my eyes grounded on the sidewalk in front of me.

When I arrived at District 'A' police station and inquired about the location of the traffic court, the Security Guard at the entrance gate, who was stopping everyone in front of me and seeking details of their reason for being there, simply waved me on by pointing to the direction of the court building.

The summons had ordered me to be at court at 9 a.m . It was not yet 8:30 and the doors of the court were still securely shut. Some people were sitting on the benches in the vicinity while others were going into and coming from the nearby Registrar's office.

Looking around me I noticed that almost no one was formally dressed and in the next half hour as I stood there, I began to realise that the only persons who were dressed in suits and ties were lawyers (I recognised a number of them), judges (arriving in expensive-looking cars) and I. Had the summons-deliverer, whose advice it was to dress up, played a practical joke on me? I was beginning to think so and immediately vowed that there would be no mangoes for him.

To relieve the monotony of waiting, I walked slowly back to the entrance of the station compound and stood about ten yards away from the security guard who was still stopping and interrogating those who sought entrance. Moments later a man, seemingly in his fifties, came up to me and inquired if the court was already open.

I said, "I don't think so."

Then he asked, "Is Pilgrim (a well-known defence lawyer) over there yet?"

I said, "I don't know."

He hesitated for a few seconds and then asked, "How busy are you going to be today?"

I replied, "I have no idea how long I'm going to be in court."

He looked a bit disappointed and asked, "You think you might have time to help me out?"

Confused by this question, I asked, "How can I help you out?"

He said, "Well, my lawyer is out of the island and I have to appear in court later this week. Could you help me?"

"I'm not a lawyer," I responded.

" You're not?" His mouth (not a small one) fell open at the thought. "Well, you look like a lawyer."

"Sorry, but I am not," I said with a smile but unsure whether I should have been flattered or embarrassed.

He turned away with a frustrated look which seemed to ask, " Well, what are you doing here dressed up like a lawyer and fooling people like me?" He left grumbling to himself and I was sure that I overheard the words " fraud" and "trickster" as the distance between him and me quickly got greater.

Rihanna takes refuge in real estate

It appears as though Rihanna isn't only moving on from Chris Brown, she's moving out to new digs as well. Cameras caught the Bajan superstar as she and her entourage shopped around in the pricey Sunset View Drive area for a new home.






According to real estate blog The Real Estalker, Rihanna viewed, among other properties, a 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom house measuring over 5,000 square feet, with an asking price of $4,495,000, featuring "a blinding and disturbing wet bar slathered in mirrored subway tiles in the living room, an infinity edged pool looking out over the lights of Los Angeles and Cameron Diaz as a neighbour".



Alright then girl, do your thing. Hope we don't see pictures of Chris Brown easing out of the new mansion in the dead of the night....

Images: www.theybf.com; http://realestalker.blogspot.com

Almost locked up in Barbados Pt. 5

By Kal-F

The sun rose just minutes after six on January 28, 2009. I had been up since four a.m., beating my alarm clock by an hour and a half. Though I had gone to bed late the night before, I didn't sleep very well and had fitful dreams. Earlier in the evening I had laid out my best suit, pressed a shirt and agonized about the best tie to go with it. I was methodically preparing for my court case. In order to stave off the panic that I could no longer deny, I tried to be practical.

Thinking I would kill two birds with one stone, I had made arrangements two days prior with the people at the dealership to get my car tuned up while I was in court and on the eve of the fateful day I also took the time to prepare some notes about what I would say when asked how I pleaded.

It started out: "Guilty as charged, your Honour, but with an explanation, if I am allowed." I wrote an entire page making the case that I was a careful driver, had never had an accident before for which I could be blamed (except for the chicken I had killed twenty years before when it ran across the road in front of my two- stroke Suzuki van which despite my best efforts would not stop in time - "I've never fully gotten over that, Your Honour") and what had happened on that day in January, 2007 was out of character for me; I was truly sorry that it had happened and to the best of my knowledge I had not killed any more chickens since.

Would my 'mea culpa' sound sufficiently pitiable to keep me out of jail or from getting a crippling fine? I wasn't sure. But when the day of reckoning arrived my practicality also told me that since I had no idea of how long I would have to wait before my court case was heard, I needed a healthy breakfast. I decided against toast ( the symbolism made me really nervous) and had pancakes, eggs - sunny side up - and a cup of Red Zinger tea instead. By 6:30 I was dressed and ready to face the music.

Traffic into Bridgetown was luckily still light and I made good time, arriving at the repair shop at 7:15. Richard, the receptionist, had heard my story when I called to arrange the appointment and now he was wishing me luck assuring me that after the car was fixed, the shop could deliver it to the prison if worse came to worst. I thanked him for his consideration and informed him that after my prison term was over, I would be looking for a different repair shop. He thought I was joking. (A future surprise is in store for him.)

Twenty minutes later, I was walking east across Bridgetown to meet my destiny.

Almost locked up in Barbados Pt. 4

By Kal-F

I drove off thinking that maybe the officer had had a change of heart about reporting me and probably would forget the whole incident. In the ensuing weeks and months, I worried about the incident from time to time, wondering whether or not I would receive a summons and how much my fine would be and whether there was a risk of being sent to jail for a few days as an example, since the recently appointed Commissioner Of Police wanted to send a message about indiscipline on the roads.

2007 came to a close but there was no summons. The incident faded from my mind as I had convinced myself that the officer had indeed not bothered to report it.

'What a considerate man!' I later told myself. 'All policemen should be like him. If I see him again I'll ask him if he likes mangoes.'

When 2008 arrived, I had all but put the incident out of my mind. I left and returned to the island several times and then just as the year was Usain Bolting to the finish line, the driver of a car with the inscribed words "Office of the Registrar" pulled into my driveway.

When I identified myself, he handed me a summons stating that I had to appear in traffic court on January 28, 2009 to answer the charge of failing to stop at a red light.

My heart took a big leap, and then several more. I mentioned to the summons -deliverer my surprise at the summons, seeing that the incident in question had taken place almost two years before and that the police officer had suggested that he might let the matter drop, and in reality I was not planning to be in Barbados in January but would most likely be back in Canada at that time.

He looked at me as if my last statement made him suspect that I was an imbecile ("Are you kidding me that you plan to be in Canada at the end of January? Have you ever heard of winter?") and he then patiently explained that if the date was inconvenient, I could go to the court early one morning and try to see if they would deal with the matter.

"Do you have a lawyer?" he then asked.

When I replied "No," he said, "Well, you might want to dress up when you go." And with that he waved goodbye as if saying that he had other imbeciles to deliver summonses to.

Over the next two months I hardly thought of anything else. There were news reports of the police cracking down on motorists: stopping and checking them for faulty parking lights, taking Public Service vehicles off the roads for the smallest infractions. Rumours abounded of people being sent to jail for traffic violations.

In early December I went on a wonderful cruise across the Caribbean and later had a wonderful Christmas but I still could not entirely put the worry out of my mind about my looming court case.

I had no idea want to expect. What would be my punishment? How much would I be fined - 200 dollars, 500, 1000? The summons did not state what the fine would be if I was proven guilty. I also had no way of telling if I would have to pay the imposed fine on the same day of the trial or what manner of payment would be deemed acceptable by the court. There was no phone number on the summons that would allow me to get that information ahead of time.

I started talking to others about the situation. Though sympathetic, none of them lessened my growing panic. My cousin argued that the officer was unethical: "He shouldn't have been hiding behind that wall, and if I had to go to court I would say that to the magistrate. It's the job of a police officer to prevent crime, not just to apprehend criminals. Man, if I were you, I wouldn't care about the weather, I would go back to Canada." His words were encouraging but I noticed that he had inadvertently suggested that I was a criminal.

My sister tried to put me at ease by stating that for sure I wouldn't have to sell my house to raise funds to pay the fine. A good friend's daughter who is currently studying law said that she didn't think I would be sent to jail just for going through a red light and then added, "at least not for a long time."

I thought that I should prepare myself for the case by taking a crash course in traffic law. I searched the Net to find an on-line university where I could become a qualifed lawyer in a month or less. All for naught. The on-line universities wanted tens of thousands of dollars for their short-cut degrees. I got sick shortly after Christmas and therefore did not follow the advice of the summons-deliverer to go to the court earlier and beg for mercy, and then to top it all off, mangoes were out of season.

So in fear and trembling I awaited the arrival of Jan. 28, 2009.

More tomorrow....

Old School Movies

OK, the narrator is a bit douchey and I think he could have done a better job of explaining things, but he hits the basics.

One of my earliest jobs was as a projectionist (a promotion from usher and concession attendant) at the Cinema 21 movie theater in Excelsior Springs.

This was in the early '70's and we still used 40 year old Peerless Carbon Arc 35mm Projectors.



Yes, those are chimneys on the projectors. You needed those to dissipate the heat from the carbon rods.



It's essentially a welding iron supplying the light and an incredibly complicated mechanical gearing and timing mechanism to sync up the picture, the sound, and the hand off between the two projectors that coordinate the 6 reels of film.

Projecting a movie was a fairly elaborate and complicated dance that required impeccable timing and precision. It was fun.



We used to enjoy changing the sequence of the reels. Reel 1, Reel 6, Reel 3, Reel 5, etc. It was the 70's. Most of the audience was stoned out of their mind and if they couldn't follow things they just assumed it was one of them "foreign art films" and they pretended to "get it".

Fucking hippies!

This Bugs Me

I see this all the time, but I'll be damned if I can Google-image a pic of it.

What I see is husbands sitting in the car of supermarket parking lots waiting on their wives to do the grocery shopping.

What. The. FUCK?

What year do you think this is, dude? 1955?

Get your lazy, worthless ass out of the fucking car and at least go in with her! Push the fucking cart! Or go get items on the list and bring them back to the car. Fucking participate!

Or, here's a thought. How about YOU do the fucking grocery shopping by yourself and contribute a little something to the household chores?

I just don't get that at all. I've been married twice and I certainly had my flaws. But unless I had a broken leg or a perianal abcess, I'd never get by with that shit! Not that I'd want to. I think marriage (or any serious, long term relationship) is a 50/50 partnership devoid of any gender-based roles and responsibilities. Fuck that.

But what really blows me away is when the husband waiting in the car is sitting in the passenger seat! He didn't even fucking drive! How fucking useless are you douche bag? Do you bring anything at all to the table?

I saw that very thing just today. Young woman at Dollar General with two young kids in tow, looking for affordable, basic neccessities. She was leaving the same time I was.

Her useless, piece of shit baby-daddy/husband was sitting in the shotgun seat playing a hand held video game. Ass wipe!

I just want to slap the shit out of "men" like that. I have no patience with that crap.

Almost locked up in Barbados Pt. 3

By Kal-F

After taking all my particulars the officer walked to the front of the car to note my license plate and then checked the little circular tab on my windshield which showed whether or not I had paid the road tax for the year.

"It looks here like your road tax has not been paid," he said with a satisfied smirk. "Man, it looks like you're in real trouble now," the smirk seemed to say.

I was sure that I had paid the annual road tax so I got out of the car to join him in investigating the anomaly on the windshield. Sure enough, the circular tab showed no record of the tax for that year.

"But I always pay my road tax in March or April. I must have forgotten to put the receipt on the windshield but I am sure that I have it in my knapsack," I said with confidence.

I went back to the car and pulled out my accordion-like case where I kept my documents. I made a search that I am sure must have had all the hallmarks of desperation. The receipt was not there and I immediately realized that just before I had left for Canada, a month earlier, I had placed it in a second case which was probably now in my filing cabinet at home in St. Lucy, twenty one miles away. It also dawned on me that I had left my driver's license and all my registration papers in the second case at home. In my desire to get to the repair shop early that morning I had forgotten to transfer the documents to the accordion case that I normally kept with me.

My head started to hurt, an initial reaction to terrror. Lord, don't let him ask to see my driver's license was my fervent prayer. The prayer seemed to work and all he said was,

"Are you sure you've paid your road tax? Because I am going to check it when I get back to the station."

"Absolutely, officer," I replied. "I pay it faithfully every March or April or whenever," I repeated with a smile meant to convince him that I was trustworthy.

He seemed to accept my word and after making a few more notes on his writing pad indicated that I was free to go.

Before I did, I asked him what would happen next.

There was a momentary pause and then giving me a long look, he said, " Oh, nothing will probably happen."

Those were heartening words to both my ears and I contritely said to him, "I am sorry, officer, I admit it was my fault. I was wrong not to stop at the light."

I was about to do a bit more grovelling which could have gone as far as getting on my knees, even though traffic was now slowing down to take a look, when he said,

"Ok, I hear you," and gestured for me to go.

Part four next week....

Obama's a hit on Leno

Sorry for the late posting, peoples, but my darn internet provider has been driving me nuts all day.

I'm sure by now most of you must have seen President Obama's appearance on Jay Leno last night. For those of you who missed it or want to view it again, you can check below.

I think he did really well, exuding his trademark mixture of warmth and authority. Do your thing then, Mr. President.

The President on 'The Tonight Show

This is the most important and hopeful thing that I heard...

"THE PRESIDENT: Well, and part of what happened over the last 15, 20 years is that so much money was made in finance that about 40 percent, I think, of our overall growth, our overall economic growth was in the financial sector. Well, now what we're finding out is a lot of that growth wasn't real. It was paper money, paper profits on the books, but it could be easily wiped out.

And what we need is steady growth; we need young people, instead of -- a smart kid coming out of school, instead of wanting to be an investment banker, we need them to decide they want to be an engineer, they want to be a scientist, they want to be a doctor or a teacher. And if we're rewarding those kinds of things that actually contribute to making things and making people's lives better, that's going to put our economy on solid footing. We won't have this kind of bubble-and-bust economy that we've gotten so caught up in for the last several years."

YES! Let's encourage a FACT AND REALITY BASED economy where people produce real things that have actual value!

New knowledge, new products, new efficiencies, new materials, new jobs! Let's figure out how we can ALL survive and thrive on a sustainable basis that benefits EVERYONE.

That isn't Socialism. That's common sense!

Papal Bull

The "infallible" Pope Benedict spreads bullshit about the spread of AIDS.

"Benedict told reporters on his flight Tuesday to Cameroon that a responsible and moral attitude toward sex would help fight the disease.

"You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms," he said. "On the contrary, it increases the problem."

That is just a blatantly false statement. In the secular world, we call that a lie.

You CAN prevent the spread of AIDS with condoms and this DOES NOT increase the problem.

It is unconscionably irresponsible to have someone like Pope Benedict travelling to Third World countries spreading lies that will kill people.

On the same trip, there is this little tidbit.

"[Pope] Benedict said that while the Catholic church in Africa is the fastest growing in the world, it faces competition from increasingly popular evangelical movements and "the growing influence of superstitious forms of religion."

"...superstitious forms of religion?"

As opposed to what other kinds of religion, exactly?

Fact based religions?

Religions that rely on empirical evidence verified by objective, independently repeatable experiments that back up their claims rather than medieval liturgy, unquestioning dogma, ancient ceremony and repetitive tradition?

Let me be crystal clear.

There is absolutely no difference whatsoever between Judaism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, Grecco-Roman Polytheism, Paganism, Wicca, Druidism, Ancestor worship, The Illuminati, The Single Bullet Theory, Shamanism, Oswald Acted Alone, Astrology, Sun Gods, Gaia worship, Satanism, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, elves, hobbits, werewolves, Elvis managing the Casey's in Orrick, Sasquatch, anal-probing aliens on UFOs or vampires.

They all require a leap of faith. There is not a single one of those belief systems that can stack up any more objective evidence than any of the other belief systems to prove it's superiority.

And that's O.K.

Believe whatever the fuck you want.

But don't use your beliefs to spread lies that kill people.

Because that's just being a dick.



Don't be a dick.

Obama makes history...again

President Obama is no stranger to making history. Tonight he will appear on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to discuss his economic rescue plan, making him the first sitting US President to ever appear on a late night chat show.

Obama appeared on the Tonight Show during his campaign, but this time around his appearance isn't sitting well with everyone.

I may be wrong but I really don't see anything wrong with his appearance. During his administration he demonstrated that he could think outside the box and his campaign was fought on all media fronts, so why expect any different now?


Image: www.dailymail.co.uk

Home from the Cold - Almost Locked Up in Barbados Pt.2

Almost Locked Up in Barbados Pt. 2
By Kal-F

I brought the car to a stop wondering where in the world that motorcycle cop had materialized from. I had not seen him when I approached the traffic lights and my only conclusion was that he was lying in wait, hiding behind a six foot wall that extended from the nearby Texaco gas station.

My goose was cooked, I had to tell myself and quickly tried to think of what pitiful excuse I was going to give to the officer for my obvious indiscretion. In my side-view mirrror I watched him dismount his motorcycle and walk towards my car. He was young and there was a confident swagger to his gait. This was not going to be good, I thought. My goose could be overdone by the time he was finished with me.

He was by the side of the car now and his first question seemed rhetorical. "Yes, sir, do you know what a red light is for?

The pitiful excuse that came immediately to mind was, "But officer, I thought the light was amber when I turned left." I quickly realized that most likely this would have sounded as ridiculous to him as it sounded to me, so I thought the better of it and remained silent.

He must have seen the look of guilt on my face and started to lecture:

" You had all the time in the world to stop since you weren't going that fast (I was glad that he had noted that and hoped it would count for something) and there was nothing behind you to run into you if you had stopped suddenly." He looked at me as if expecting a defence.

I couldn't think of a good one. Every excuse that came to mind sounded lame:

"Officer, I just came back from Canada and am still suffering from jet lag.

"Officer, all I had to eat this morning was bread and water and wasn't thinking straight.

"Officer, I swear that red light was green when I first saw it."

A voice inside me continued to advise, "The less you say, the less stupid you will sound."

I agreed.

So dumbfounded with guilt, I listened as he ended his little lecture by stating that he was going to report me. He took out a little notebook from his back pocket and started tapping his other pockets for, I assumed, something to write with. He had a lot of pockets and it took him a few moments to find what he was looking for. I tried to ingratiate myself to him by offering the pen sitting in the key tray under the car radio but he declined. He had his own, he said. I wanted to ask him if he had gotten if from Woolworth's or Cave Shepherd but thought the better of it.


Pt. 3 tomorrow....

Don't Ski

Spider Sabich died from skiing. Sort of.


Sonny Bono Died from skiing. Definitely.


Natasha Richardson Died fro skiing, apparently.

And don't fuck Claudine Longets



Which I would totally do. Even if it involved skiing. And dying.

A Twitter Primer

As someone who is on Twitter every waking moment of every day, this is fucking funny as hell! And true as shit!



Excuse me...I have to go send out a tweet letting all my tweeples know I have a new blog post up about Twittering.

Canadian visitor attacked in Barbados dies

Cheese-on-Bread joins the rest of Barbados in extending condolences to the family of Terry Schwarzfeld, who died today from injuries sustained during an attack at Long Beach a few weeks ago.

You can read the story here.

This is beyond sad. The police have issued a reward for any information leading to the arrest of the perpetrator of the crime, and we can only hope that someone comes forward soon.

Image: www.ottawacitizen.com

Something new: Home from the Cold

Hey, peoples. I'm introducing a new segment today: the adventures of a family member who has returned to live in Barbados after many years in Canada.

The name of the segment is Home from the Cold, and this particular series is entitled Almost locked up in Barbados. We hope you enjoy it.

Almost locked up in Barbados Pt. 1
By Kal-F

Thurs. Jan. 29/08

The city of Bridgetown in Barbados has never been my favourite destination.

Historically, it has been the most bustling spot on the island and though pretty in some areas , it has often filled me with apprehension: the teeming crowds, traffic that always seems to have a serious mission to get somewhere else quickly, the intimidating stores that seem to say , "Stay out unless you've got money and lots of it"; all of this often tends to overwhelm me.

When I was about five or six years old my mother took me into Cave Shepherd, a large department store on Broad Street, in the heart of Bridgetown and left me standing beside a counter for a few minutes while she checked out some nail polish that once made her fingers and toes so fascinating to me that I painted mine as well and consequently got my first lesson from those around me about the how the world views the differences between genders (she was female and I was male, I was told. She could paint her fingers and toes but I shouldn't mine.)

While I stood alone at that counter, a woman with hair pulled back in a tight bun, her fingers painted red and wearing a tight fitting wrinkle- free dress looked at me and said,

" Sign, please."

As there was no other person in my immediate vicinity, I concluded that the request was directed to me, so I said, "I don't have a pencil."

Her response was gales of laughter and when a man who was also wearing wrinkle-free clothes came over carrying a pen in his hand to scribble something on a writing pad, she related to him what I had said and more gales of laughter followed. Soon other people were looking at me and laughing, making me feel I was some kind of freakish wonder. All I could think of was getting out of that store where people were stupid enough to think you could sign something without a pencil. For the rest of my life I never went into Cave Shepherd or indeed anywhere in Bridgetown unless I absolutely had to.

But on January 8, 2007, I had little choice but to go into the city. Much older now, I had recently arrived from Toronto and discovered that while I was away, my aging Hyundai Galaxy had started leaking transmission fluid. Normally when I returned to Barbados from a trip anywhere, I suffered from the effects of jet lag and would often stay in bed for at least a week living on bread and water (mostly water) until I could convince my mind to venture out to a grocery store. But on this day in history I was met with an emergency and had few other options but to take my car to a repair shop on the western outskirts of Bridgetown.

Arriving just after dawn to ensure I was the first customer at the shop (in retrospect a mistake, since the workers insisted I buy them breakfast), my car was fixed by mid-afternoon. Relieved but tired after wondering around the city all morning in a jet-lagged malaise and carefully trying to avoid Cave Shepherd while waiting for the car, I cherished the thought of getting out of the city and heading north to St. Lucy, back to my bread and water.

The effects of jet lag proved to be far more serious than I had realized, however, because five minutes later I found myself in the heart of Bridgetown wondering why the devil I had driven in the direction I was going. A corrective manoeuvre to the left soon found me driving north from Lower Broad Street past Woolworth's where my mother had bought me my first pencil following the Cave Shepherd incident, past Central police station and ever progressing northward. It was 2:45 in the afternoon and traffic was surprisingly light. The traffic lights along the way showed a welcome sheen of green and it seemed that my escape from the city would be easy.

Ten yards from the second traffic lights at the Bank Hall intersection the green suddenly changed to amber but my split second decision was to proceed since I was planning to make a left turn ( driving is on the left on this sun-kissed isle that was once optimistically called Little England) and head westward towards the coast hugging Highway One. My reaction time, however, was slower than what I had anticipated and just as I got to the intersection the light was red. There was no traffic around and I continued into my turn hoping that my accidental violation would go unnoticed.

No such luck.

A hundred yards to the west of where I had made my left turn I heard the 'woop woop' signal of a motorcycle cop beckoning me to pull over.


More tomorrow....


Image: www.starstore.com

Rihanna 'moving on'

Good sense has apparently descended on Rihanna's camp and she and the lil boy have reportedly cooled things off.

Last weekend the Bajan superstar was photographed Brown-less having a belated birthday dinner with her mentor Jay-Z, his wife Beyonce and Brandy at the Spotted Pig restaurant.





I hope this is the beginning of a real split and not another pr stunt. I guess with every sampoochie and duppy advising her to leave her abuser Rihanna has decided to take a step back. I mean, when Oprah can dedicate a whole show to domestic violence because of you, well, the least you can do is listen...

Images: www.gossipgirls.com

Economic Vaccination

I sold this useless fucking monstrosity of a house after my divorce


years ago, and now I rent. So the decline in the housing market doesn't affect me.

I declared bankruptcy shortly after that, wiping out all of the credit card debt accumulated during my last marriage, so usurpery level interest rates don't affect me. I no longer have any credit card debt.

I wiped out 20 years of my accumulated 401k covering lawyer bills, moving companies, downsizing and other living expenses so the drop in the stock market doesn't affect me. I no longer own any stock.

My jeep is paid for. I have no car payment.

The company I work for was too conservative to dabble in all that risky financial bullshit. In fact, we are rated Number 7 in the top 150 companies in our industry. We are still growing and hiring, albiet at a slower pace.

I have nothing that the economy can touch.

I have rent, insurance, utilities, groceries and gas. As long as I have a paycheck coming, I have no worries.

I have already voluntarily divested myself of all of the financial baggage that could cause me any angst.

I have nothing, so I have nothing to lose.

It is a very zen-centered place to be.

I'm Going To Live Forever

When I win the lottery (or get my stimulus check), I'm having all of these procedures done.


And then, I'm going to a cosmetic surgeon and have the wrinkles taken out of my nutsack.

(Tip o' the cock to io9.com)

GTO about to get her braces

UPDATE! After the procedure!

It's Madison Time

Al Gilkes like he ignorant

I have the utmost respect for journalist, promoter and public relations practitioner Al Gilkes, but his recent suggestion that the ruins at Farley Hill National Park be knocked down so more fete-goers can be accommodated is so ludicrous that I don't know where to begin.

Gilkes obviously had on his promoter's hat that day and was probably blinded by the dollar bills in his sights at the thought of being able to cram a few thousand more patrons into Farley Hill for some fete or other.

Look, as far as I'm concerned promoters had no right being allowed to keep fetes at Farley Hill. The park is a serene, cool haven for people to enjoy with family and friends, not for sweaty, gyrating masses of music fans to ruin with their litter and disrespect for the environment.

Sure, the ruins might be a bit unstable, but Government needs to sure up the building, not tear it down. Farley Hill would be nothing without those ruins, trust me.

Let Al Gilkes and the other money hungry promoters go hold their fetes at King George v Park or some other open ground if they're worried about something falling on them.

Image: www.barbados.gov.bb

Jim Cramer is a Comedian and an Entertainer

Never, ever, take financial advice from TV idiots who use cow bells, whistles, and pre-recorded sound effects.

Find an actual accountant or broker, i tour area, who quietly and conservatively makes money for their clients. Talk to them about your personal goals and finances. Do your own due diligence and invest cautiously.

If you have done these things, walk away and take a long term approach.

Don't pretend to be a day trader. Don't try to out guess the CNN or FOX financial pundits.

Do your research, place your bets, and let your money stay where it is.

P.S. - Stocks are REALLY cheap right now! If you truly believe in a company, this is a great time to buy up a shitload of flea-market priced stock. It's like travelling back in time.

Man dressed like The Joker slain by police in park

FRONT ROYAL, Va. –

A soldier dressed and wearing face-paint like Batman villain The Joker was shot and killed by police in the Shenandoah National Park after he pointed a loaded shotgun at them after a chase, an FBI affidavit says.

The Coming Evangelical Collapse

This is from the Christian Science Monitor.

An anti-Christian chapter in Western history is about to begin. But out of the ruins, a new vitality and integrity will rise.

By Michael Spencer
from the March 10, 2009 edition

Oneida, Ky. - We are on the verge – within 10 years – of a major collapse of evangelical Christianity. This breakdown will follow the deterioration of the mainline Protestant world and it will fundamentally alter the religious and cultural environment in the West.

Within two generations, evangelicalism will be a house deserted of half its occupants. (Between 25 and 35 percent of Americans today are Evangelicals.) In the "Protestant" 20th century, Evangelicals flourished. But they will soon be living in a very secular and religiously antagonistic 21st century.

This collapse will herald the arrival of an anti-Christian chapter of the post-Christian West. Intolerance of Christianity will rise to levels many of us have not believed possible in our lifetimes, and public policy will become hostile toward evangelical Christianity, seeing it as the opponent of the common good.

Millions of Evangelicals will quit. Thousands of ministries will end. Christian media will be reduced, if not eliminated. Many Christian schools will go into rapid decline. I'm convinced the grace and mission of God will reach to the ends of the earth. But the end of evangelicalism as we know it is close.

Why is this going to happen?

1. Evangelicals have identified their movement with the culture war and with political conservatism. This will prove to be a very costly mistake. Evangelicals will increasingly be seen as a threat to cultural progress. Public leaders will consider us bad for America, bad for education, bad for children, and bad for society.

The evangelical investment in moral, social, and political issues has depleted our resources and exposed our weaknesses. Being against gay marriage and being rhetorically pro-life will not make up for the fact that massive majorities of Evangelicals can't articulate the Gospel with any coherence. We fell for the trap of believing in a cause more than a faith.

2. We Evangelicals have failed to pass on to our young people an orthodox form of faith that can take root and survive the secular onslaught. Ironically, the billions of dollars we've spent on youth ministers, Christian music, publishing, and media has produced a culture of young Christians who know next to nothing about their own faith except how they feel about it. Our young people have deep beliefs about the culture war, but do not know why they should obey scripture, the essentials of theology, or the experience of spiritual discipline and community. Coming generations of Christians are going to be monumentally ignorant and unprepared for culture-wide pressures.

3. There are three kinds of evangelical churches today: consumer-driven megachurches, dying churches, and new churches whose future is fragile. Denominations will shrink, even vanish, while fewer and fewer evangelical churches will survive and thrive.

4. Despite some very successful developments in the past 25 years, Christian education has not produced a product that can withstand the rising tide of secularism. Evangelicalism has used its educational system primarily to staff its own needs and talk to itself.

5. The confrontation between cultural secularism and the faith at the core of evangelical efforts to "do good" is rapidly approaching. We will soon see that the good Evangelicals want to do will be viewed as bad by so many, and much of that work will not be done. Look for ministries to take on a less and less distinctively Christian face in order to survive.

6. Even in areas where Evangelicals imagine themselves strong (like the Bible Belt), we will find a great inability to pass on to our children a vital evangelical confidence in the Bible and the importance of the faith.

7. The money will dry up.

What will be left?

•Expect evangelicalism to look more like the pragmatic, therapeutic, church-growth oriented megachurches that have defined success. Emphasis will shift from doctrine to relevance, motivation, and personal success – resulting in churches further compromised and weakened in their ability to pass on the faith.

•Two of the beneficiaries will be the Roman Catholic and Orthodox communions. Evangelicals have been entering these churches in recent decades and that trend will continue, with more efforts aimed at the "conversion" of Evangelicals to the Catholic and Orthodox traditions.

•A small band will work hard to rescue the movement from its demise through theological renewal. This is an attractive, innovative, and tireless community with outstanding media, publishing, and leadership development. Nonetheless, I believe the coming evangelical collapse will not result in a second reformation, though it may result in benefits for many churches and the beginnings of new churches.

•The emerging church will largely vanish from the evangelical landscape, becoming part of the small segment of progressive mainline Protestants that remain true to the liberal vision.

•Aggressively evangelistic fundamentalist churches will begin to disappear.

•Charismatic-Pentecostal Christianity will become the majority report in evangelicalism. Can this community withstand heresy, relativism, and confusion? To do so, it must make a priority of biblical authority, responsible leadership, and a reemergence of orthodoxy.

•Evangelicalism needs a "rescue mission" from the world Christian community. It is time for missionaries to come to America from Asia and Africa. Will they come? Will they be able to bring to our culture a more vital form of Christianity?

•Expect a fragmented response to the culture war. Some Evangelicals will work to create their own countercultures, rather than try to change the culture at large. Some will continue to see conservatism and Christianity through one lens and will engage the culture war much as before – a status quo the media will be all too happy to perpetuate. A significant number, however, may give up political engagement for a discipleship of deeper impact.

Is all of this a bad thing?

Evangelicalism doesn't need a bailout. Much of it needs a funeral. But what about what remains?

Is it a good thing that denominations are going to become largely irrelevant? Only if the networks that replace them are able to marshal resources, training, and vision to the mission field and into the planting and equipping of churches.

Is it a good thing that many marginal believers will depart? Possibly, if churches begin and continue the work of renewing serious church membership. We must change the conversation from the maintenance of traditional churches to developing new and culturally appropriate ones.

The ascendency of Charismatic-Pentecostal-influenced worship around the world can be a major positive for the evangelical movement if reformation can reach those churches and if it is joined with the calling, training, and mentoring of leaders. If American churches come under more of the influence of the movement of the Holy Spirit in Africa and Asia, this will be a good thing.

Will the evangelicalizing of Catholic and Orthodox communions be a good development? One can hope for greater unity and appreciation, but the history of these developments seems to be much more about a renewed vigor to "evangelize" Protestantism in the name of unity.

Will the coming collapse get Evangelicals past the pragmatism and shallowness that has brought about the loss of substance and power? Probably not. The purveyors of the evangelical circus will be in fine form, selling their wares as the promised solution to every church's problems. I expect the landscape of megachurch vacuity to be around for a very long time.

Will it shake lose the prosperity Gospel from its parasitical place on the evangelical body of Christ? Evidence from similar periods is not encouraging. American Christians seldom seem to be able to separate their theology from an overall idea of personal affluence and success.

The loss of their political clout may impel many Evangelicals to reconsider the wisdom of trying to create a "godly society." That doesn't mean they'll focus solely on saving souls, but the increasing concern will be how to keep secularism out of church, not stop it altogether. The integrity of the church as a countercultural movement with a message of "empire subversion" will increasingly replace a message of cultural and political entitlement.

Despite all of these challenges, it is impossible not to be hopeful. As one commenter has already said, "Christianity loves a crumbling empire."

We can rejoice that in the ruins, new forms of Christian vitality and ministry will be born. I expect to see a vital and growing house church movement. This cannot help but be good for an evangelicalism that has made buildings, numbers, and paid staff its drugs for half a century.

We need new evangelicalism that learns from the past and listens more carefully to what God says about being His people in the midst of a powerful, idolatrous culture.

I'm not a prophet. My view of evangelicalism is not authoritative or infallible. I am certainly wrong in some of these predictions. But is there anyone who is observing evangelicalism in these times who does not sense that the future of our movement holds many dangers and much potential?

• Michael Spencer is a writer and communicator living and working in a Christian community in Kentucky. He describes himself as "a postevangelical reformation Christian in search of a Jesus-shaped spirituality." This essay is adapted from a series on his blog, InternetMonk.com .